My Journey In Faith

Journal Clipping - Psalm 1

2011-02-24T09:08:00.003-06:00

Psalm 1

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly,

nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not with; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away.

Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgement,

nor the sinners in the congregation of the righteous.

For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous but the way of the ungodly shall perish.

When I'm not walking in the path God has chosen for me, I'm following the counsel of the ungodly... following the blind who are being led by the blind.

Am I spending my time hanging out with those who prefer sin over righteousness? Am I settling down to live as the scornful?

These are signs that I am not meditating on His Word and, therefore, I am not delighting in it. My ways will then be slippery and crooked. The land in which I attempt to find nourishment will be dry and empty and there I will wither and perish with no fruit to show for all the hard work I've been putting in.

Putting in for what? For who?

What I become dried up, then I, too, will be blown away by the slightest wind. I will surely not make it to Heaven. I will surely not be allowed to stay and sit with the righteousness. God knows the right way, the best path to take, the only path. Any other path will only lead to destruction.

I Am Second...

2011-01-21T10:30:00.001-06:00

This is an amazing site!

Check out just one story: Janine Turner testimony

Who?

2011-01-19T15:46:00.003-06:00

For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not the be servant of Christ.

~Galatians 1:10

I don't think we can hear these words enough. Just when I feel like I have weeded out so much junk from my life, I am reminded that there is more. Who am I trying to please? God? Man? Me?

Only one is worthy.

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

~ Matthew 6:24

Who or what is your mammon today? Get rid of it today.

Happy Is As Happy Does...

2011-01-18T09:35:00.003-06:00

Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.

~2 Corinthians 9:7

There are certain ministries that I just don't enjoy doing. Like the Nursery on Sunday Mornings. Yes, I love the kids like crazy, but being in there with them honestly bores me to tears. Well, almost. I even feel horrible for admitting that! I don't mind watching a handful at a time but the Sunday Morning crowd is just a little too much for me.

There. I said it.

Then the guilt sets in. And rightfully so!

I've heard it said many times and I've probably said it myself a time or two. "If I can't do it cheerfully, then wouldn't God just rather I didn't do it at all? After all, what good am I if I'm grouchy about the whole thing?" Well, it's half right.

Just not the half we might want.

Why do we always flip things around? We are trying to get things going in our own favor but what is God's plan? What is His take on the whole situation?

When my kids whines about a chore I give him, you never hear me saying "Oh, I'm sorry this makes you so unhappy... just don't do it! Go do something you enjoy that brings no benefit to our home!" Um, no.

There is a reason I'm asking him to pick up his socks or take his dirty dishes to the sink. Just like there is a reason God is asking me to serve others. It may not be the most fun thing to do on the list, but it needs to be done. And that should be good enough for me!

Where do we get off thinking we are so wonderful we can avoid the "dirty" jobs? Why do we feel like we should have so many choices? As if we should be pleased at all times?

Now, that makes me feel icky.

Go read that verse again. God is telling us that we need to give what we need to give. And we need to give more. And we need to give cheerfully. Not growling and complaining about how we have to do this or have to do that...

Read on...

And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work.

~2 Corinthians 9:8

No excuses. Not only does He call us to do good work, He will give us all the grace we need to accomplish it. I would think that includes the cheerful heart. And, really, shouldn't we be thrilled to be a part of something so fantastic and amazing? To work for God! To build His kingdom! To nurture little ones to grow up with a strong faith to one day serve God and ultimately spend eternity with Him! What an honor! And the benefits are out of this world!

Proverbs 15:13 says,

A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.

This tells me that by keeping my heart merry, I'll be more cheerful. It also lets me know that by bringing sorrow to my life with my begrudging I can break my own spirit. Not exactly what I want or need to be doing with my life.

So the next time I am handed a job I am less than thrilled about in my flesh, I will rejoice in the fact that I'm doing something far greater than I can imagine. And I will do it cheerfully.

To live happily is an inward power of the soul.

Aristotle

Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.

Rabbi Hyman Schachtel

Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.

Margaret Lee Runbeck

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.

Robert Anthony

Happiness is an expression of the soul in considered actions.

Aristotle

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Agnes Repplier

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde

Be Strong and Courageous!

2011-01-17T09:23:00.003-06:00

"Be strong and of a good courage: for unto this people shalt thou divide for an inheritance the land, which I sware unto their fathers to give them.

Only be strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it to the right had or to the left, that thou mayest prosper whithersoever thou goest.

This book of the law shall not depart out of they mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with the withersoever thou goest."

~ Joshua 1:6-9

Our associate pastor preached about this yesterday and my eyes kept coming back to the words "Be strong and courageous", "be strong and of a good courage".

My word for the year of 2010 was "see". And I learned a lot about gaining a new perspective. Not that I've attained perfection but my eyes were opened to understanding that so much of our struggles to live righteously and completely for God stems from our perspective. These verses seem to further that thought for me.

Be strong and courageous.

Hard times were coming. This group of people who have been wandering around in the desert for 40 years has a big battle ahead. An over whelming obstacle that frightens them. It would me too, I'm sure! Jericho didn't sound like an easy conquer by any means!

God understood that they were frightened and felt powerless in the face of their enemy. So he repeats several times to "be strong and courageous." He knows we are stubborn and He knows repetition is a key to learning so He makes a point to repeat these words several times.

Deuteronomy leaves off with the Israelites completing their 40 years of wandering under Moses' command. The book of Joshua starts off with the promise of what was to come - the good and the bad of it. The very first chapter, God tells Joshua that He's ready to stop the wandering and take some action. He lets Joshua know that they will be taking a large lot of land, large enough to divide among all the people who remain after the 40 years with Moses. I'm sure Joshua understood how that might need to happen. I'm sure he understood that it didn't mean that God was going to make a new plot of land for them but that they were going to take it by force. Something that generation had not seen or done in the past 40 years! Do you think they felt prepared?

I can just picture Joshua's expression as God relays this information to him. Probably an attempt to keep his poker face stoic and his adam's apple bobs with huge, difficult gulps. A little sweat bead winding down from his forehead past his cheek. Maybe even a little twitch in his right eye at the thought of trying to remember everything being told when the looming thought in the back of him mind overshadows with "Defeat WHICH city?!"

Boys are boys. And I've learned (living in a house full of testosterone) that there is something about that "selective hearing syndrome" we all joke about. Males tend to have a hard time focusing on several things at once. This is great when they are driven to succeed and accomplish difficult tasks. But its not so great when we give them a laundry list of things to do all the while explaining how our feelings come into play while they are watching football. Right?

So I'm thinking Joshua must have gotten his mind fixed on the battle to come and perhaps God's voice became similar to the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher. "Waa, waa waa. Waa-waa waa waa." God knows how to handle boys. He created them! I love how he repeats 4 times in 5 verses to "Be strong and courageous". My favorite part is verse 9...

"Have I not commanded thee?"

(Yup, could totally hear myself talking to my boys there. )

Joshua was a great leader. God knew what He was doing. He gave Joshua the information, the details and enforced the important stuff. So what did Joshua do? Grab a coke and finish watching the game? No. Verse 10 tells us Joshua jumps up and begins his duty...

"Then Joshua commanded the officers..."

There was no verse in between where Joshua whined about his to do list. He didn't cower and ask God if he really had to do it. No, he trusted God. He knew that if God promised that he would prosper, then he was going to go to it with gusto. I love that about Joshua!

What an encouragement to me. Sometimes I want to say to myself "Is that really what God wants me to do?" When I know right well it is, I just don't really want to do it! Sometimes the tasks on my list are a bit frightening. Sometimes I get that glazed-over look and twitch in my eye. I am so thankful that God reminds us to be strong. To be courageous. He's not suggesting it. He's TELLING us! Which tells me that it's possible. It's attainable. It's inexcusable to do anything else!

So I remind you now to BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS. God promises us prosperity! That may not translate into riches and glory the way the world measures prosperity, but it does mean we'll be successful in whatever God calls us to do. And that is where I want to be. I want to spend my eternity in Heaven and I want a golden crown to remind me that my God is an awesome God!

The More I Seek You...

2011-01-12T15:36:00.001-06:00

Walking the Line...

2011-01-11T10:40:00.002-06:00

Jeremiah loves to dance and do stunts. Odd combination, isn't it? He loves slapstick comedy where people are falling down and flipping over stuff... LOVES it. He used to beg to watch YouTube videos of people falling down (like on America's Funniest Home Videos). And he loves to watch Dick Van Dyke at his finest in old movies like Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. LOVES it. He's always putting on a show by dancing around the room and often incorporates a few stunts here and there. Then there is Joshua who just loves stunts. Watching my boys desire to attempt wild, crazy moves prompted me to enroll Jeremiah into a tumbling class. If he's going to try flips and other tricks, at least learn how to do them without hurting yourself, right? That is the mommy in me. Plus I figured he'd learn some new tricks he'd love to try. So off to a gymnastics class we go (only option for a tumbling class in our little town). He, of course, LOVED it. He was the only boy in the gym and it showed. After each task, the girls would get back in line and patiently wait their turn. Jey, on the other hand, would have to end each task with a little dance or a stunt that involved falling down and rolling around. He was often wandering around while waiting his turn. *I love little boys*

Watching Jeremiah walk across the balance beam, it was obvious he was more balanced than many of the little girls in his class. But he did stumble a tad here and there. I asked a friend to build us a little balance beam (only about 4 feet long) and both boys have had a blast with it. Joshua needs a hand to hold at times and as I was reading in Psalms this morning, I was reminded of my boys walking across the beam.

Hold up my goings in thy paths. that my footsteps slip not. ~Psalm 17:5

Oh, how we need a hand to hold when the path gets slippery, when we lose our balance! I was also reminded of those team-building games we had to play at our retreats. Especially the one where you were blindfolded and relied on your partner to guide you over logs and around trees. You could not find your own path, you needed to listen closely to hear their guidance for each step you took.

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. ~ Psalm 37:23

I'm so thankful that God provides the guidance we need for each step. I am delighted to follow His leading! Oh, the places you'll go!

Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip. ~Psalm 18:36

When Jey was a baby, we joked that he walked early because he had such a firm foundation - wide feet! I'm sure that did help him steady himself. After all, it's not easy when you're a top-heavy, big-headed baby! God is so good to us to meet our needs in even the strangest of ways! I'm thankful He gives makes a way for our steps to be firmly planted so we might not slip.

For I said, Hear me, lest otherwise they should rejoice over me: when my foot slippeth, they magnify themselves against me. ~Psalm 38:16

It's frightening to lose your footing and tumble to the ground. You lose a sense of security and fear the mocking of those around you. Thankfully, we serve a loving God who picks us up and lends a hand to help us when we need it (every moment!).

When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O Lord, held me up. ~Psalm 94:18

I am SO thankful for His mercy. It holds me up in those dark times and gets me back on track.

Uphold me according unto they word, that I may live: and let me not be ashamed of my hope. Hold thou me up, and I shall be safe: and I will have respect unto they statutes continually. ~Psalm 119:116-117

We cannot do anything without our God. We cannot live for Him without Him, we cannot live righteously without Him. Without Him, our lives are pointless.

Order my steps in they word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me. Psalm 119:133

Seeking Him is the only way to survive the battle. He will win the battle, there is no doubt, but we need to survive to spend eternity with Him. Following His leading will put us in the place we need to be to stay safe and succeed, to bring glory to His Kingdom. There is no other place I'd rather be than right by His side.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer they foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is they keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon they right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve they soul. The Lord shall preserve thy going out and coming in from this time forth, and even for ever more. ~Psalm 121

Go-Fight-Win!

2011-01-10T18:05:00.004-06:00

And he did evil, because he prepared not his heart to seek the Lord.

~ 2 Chronicles 12:14

Sometimes it's a struggle to live like Jesus everyday. Our sinful nature rises up and takes over when we are tempted by the annoying and aggravating events that go on in our daily lives. It makes me so sad to see people give up.

But I get it. I do.

I'm human, too. I find there are times when I just want to give up because it's easier to just join in something inappropriate or take it out on others because I have a hard time keeping myself together. Not give up everything, mind you. But give in to the temptation to chose a sinful response rather than a godly one. I want to give up on trying so hard to get it right.

The above verse is so simple and clear. It bears repeating:

And he did evil, because he prepared not his heart to seek the Lord.

When I don't take the time to seek the Lord for my every moment of every day, I see where I fail. I see where the struggle begins. I see where I'm going nowhere fast.

I love that this verse is not one that brings a defeated attitude but one of encouragement. How simple to stop and seek God! Prepare your heart to listen for His leading. We get so caught up in the world, the bling and excitement of it, that we forget this simple step. The temptation to achieve greatness on our own merit pulls us away from seeking His Wise Counsel. It blinds us and hinders us from preparing our hearts for the battles ahead.

My Sunday School class is mainly made up of teen boys. A few girls now and then but most often a room full of testosterone and the complicated struggles of adolescent males. This past Sunday, we started out in James Chapter 2 but ended up just talking about how and why God seems to put 'demands' on us. Why does the Bible say salvation is free but it comes with such a high cost - to give up everything and follow Him?

Much like a coach wants his players to succeed, he doesn't have his players meet only once a week for a lecture on the importance of football in your life. Or spending an extra hour in class talking about games of old. He spends most of the time throwing them in the fire at practice where they are bombarded by bigger guys. Then he barks out some advice on how to not let that happen again next time, because next time might be worse. It will be the real thing, the Big Game.

Such is life, is it not? Our coach offers us His playbook and instruction manual but also offers us a personal Coach. Giving us play by play orders on how to get through the lineup. How to make the pass, when to pull back and punt. When to put your head down and push through.

It is not His goal for us to get hurt. That is the last thing He wants. But sometimes it takes a few punches to get the job done, to score one for the team. We may not always get to be the quarterback. We may not always get to be the kicker. We may spend most of the time on the front line, helping our teammates get through the line. Whatever our position, we are all needed to bring glory for the team. Yes, even the water boy.

I am so thankful that God is a merciful god. He is compassionate and forgiving. But that doesn't mean He cannot be one that pushes us and coaches us to be better. By pushing, we are gaining strength and wisdom for the battles ahead. And there will be battles. Not because God likes it, but because the Devil hates you.

Don't throw the game because you're tired. Pay attention in practice. Give it your all so you can build up the strength to stand. Prepare your heart to seek Him so you can withstand the evil you are tempted with. Prepare your heart to stand.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day and having done all, to stand.

~ Ephesians 6:12-13

Importunity

2011-01-02T21:39:00.005-06:00

I was reading in Luke Chapter 11, namely vs 5-10, and I ran across this verse...

"I say unto you, though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth." Luke 11:8

In the margin was a note leading me to Luke 18 where I found this...

"Yet because this widow troubleth me, I will avenger her, lest by her continual coming she weary me." Luke 18:5

Who am I to think God will just automatically come to my rescue just because once upon a time I professed my love to Him? How important do I think I am? How selfish, really.

God DOES love each and every one of us. However, that doesn't change the fact that we are still peons in comparison. Actually, the scum of the earth. We are those annoying beggars that stink up the air around us yet we think we are owed a life of riches and favor? We assume that because God knows our every need, He will just do whatever we want?

He wants us to come to Him. Prayer is SO important. And it's so easy! So why do we neglect it so? The devil convinces us that because it's so simple we are either not doing it right or it's really not that important. He tells us this and worse yet, we believe him. Hook, line, and sinker. Then we quit doing it, it loses it's priority in our days.

But did you know that it's more important that going to church or reading your Bible? It brings us into a whole new relationship with God!

Do you remember that show, The Facts Of Life? Lisa Whelchel was one of the leading actresses in the entire running of the show and now she is a wife and mom (like us!). She has also written several Christian books that I have really enjoyed. A couple years ago, a friend and I attended a conference where she was speaking. I had the opportunity to meet her in person backstage for a few minutes and I feel like I learned so much more about her in that brief moment that through the hundreds of pages I had read from her books! Something about meeting her in person brought it all together and I really got to know her as a real person.

Reading the Bible is a GREAT way to get to know more about God. But there are still so many parts that are missing to the great mystery of who God really is. Not because God wanted us to run around clueless, but because they are parts that cannot be put into words. Nothing could replace meeting God in person. It ties it all together in a way that could not be done through pages of His Word alone.

It's time to humble ourselves and realize that we are scum of the earth. We are filthy sinners and we desperately need God to transform us into creatures worthy to enter His Kingdom. He wants us to know Him on a personal level. His "demands" are not difficult, only if our hearts are grounded in the world will it be difficult. Take time each day to spend some quality time with Him. Reading His Word, but also talking and listening to Him. Get to know your God today.

I Will.

2010-12-13T10:54:00.003-06:00

Far too often in the life of a mommy there are moments where you feel like you are failing. You are overworked, overwhelmed and feel completely unappreciated. But you keep plugging along because you love your family and, frankly, you don't know any other way! Then the moment strikes where your "properly disciplined" children are acting very un-properly behaved and you feel like you must have failed somewhere along the line. Failed BIG time.

Can you relate?

It's in these moments that I sometimes just want to give up and hand it all over to that mom that looks like she's got it all together. Or to anyone because, surely, they can't screw things up as much as I do, right? I feel like my efforts are in vain and that maybe I am wasting my time with the daily Bible lessons on being kind, the fifty million conversations about not hitting your brother, the multiple sendings to timeout... what is the point?

But I can't give up. I can't stop disciplining my children. Not even when my efforts seem unfruitful. I have to remember that they are human which means they are sinners.

Which means they are just like me.

Sometimes I am stubborn. Far too often than I realize or care to admit, to be honest. How many times did I get spanked for my disobedience? Too many to count. How many times did I not get spanked when I needed it? Too many to count.

I had one of those guilt-filled mommy moments last week and although it was not on my mind this morning when I picked up my Bible, I was encouraged.

I was reading in Proverbs 20 and ran across this verse:

"The sluggard will not plow by reason of the cold; therefore shall he beg in harvest, and have nothing." -v. 4

At first I read this from the context of being lazy but then God spoke to me about my feelings of failure and desires to give up on mommy duties. I may come up with a million different reasons to quit working hard on disciplining my children and the world will help me come up with a million more but I cannot. I may not see the fruit of it for years and years to come but I must be diligent.

A farmer sows and plows with no promise of bearing fruit. But he diligently sows and plows and tends to the crops faithfully in the hopes that his work is not in vain and will produce a plentiful harvest in due season.

It is not up to me if my children will be good and faithful. It is up to me to train them and nurture them to be prepared in life. I must do what God has called me to do to train them. Even so, it is not up to me how they turn out in the end.

Should I decide to give up on teaching them? Should I despair because I have no control over the outcome? No. I should be diligent to do my part. And I should be diligent to trust God to do His part in their lives. But if I should give up my part, it will be that much more difficult for my children to learn right and wrong. Who am I relying on to teach them what I will not? The school system? The world? Looking at the world around me, I should be encouraged to do what I can to give them the nurturing and guidance they need to succeed at what is truly important.

I cannot be sluggish or slothful. I cannot give up because the fruit did not appear as soon as it was planted. I cannot give only when promised perfect fruit. I must give because I must give. I must do because I must do. I must obey because I must obey. I must love because I must love. I can do this because I am loved. God loves me. And He loves my children far more than I could ever imagine loving them myself. So I will trust Him because He is trustworthy.

Even if I don't want to or see a need to... I will.

Vanities...

2010-10-12T22:10:00.003-05:00

Life seems so trivial when you are able to get out of your own little world and see the bigger picture. Sometimes the bigger picture is just a small snapshot. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own lives we miss what is going on around us. This in turn distorts our view and, consequently, our priorities. Sometimes I get caught in that downward spiral and find myself flailing through life, lost and confused. I know about my tiny life within arms reach and hold it dear. But this makes it difficult to see the needs of others and see that there is more to life than what I can hold in my arms. It also prevents me from grasping to something that I dearly need. All because I'm afraid of losing something I am holding so dear. All because the fear of losing something and possibly gaining nothing is terrifying.

"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lost is own soul?"

~Mark 8:36

My heart has been heavy lately with the ways of the world. The words of King Solomon ring in my ears...

Vanities of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.

What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the sun?

One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh:

But the earth abideth forever.

The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.

The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north;

it whirleth about continually

And the wind returneth again according to his circuits.

All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full;

unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.

All things are full of labour; man cannot utter it:

the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.

The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be;

and that which is done is that which shall be done:

and there is no new thing under the sun

Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new?

It hath been already of old time which was before us.

There is no remembrance of things that are to come with those that shall come after.

~Ecclesiastes 1:2-11

Are you changed?

2010-09-11T13:38:00.002-05:00

Francis Chan Talk - Passion 2010 from Jacob Marlowe on Vimeo.

This is Francis Chan's talk during the main session at Passion 2010. I hope this encourages and helps someone as much as it did me. Feel free to share this video with the world. :)

Everything...

2010-09-09T23:45:00.001-05:00

Luke Warm and Lovin' It...

2010-08-05T20:15:00.001-05:00

Doing or Being?

2010-07-26T10:49:00.002-05:00

(I started this post Saturday but didn't get to finish, hence the date references being wonkey!)

I am reading daily from a classic: My Utmost For His Highest, by Oswald Chambers. GREAT little devotional book. It really challenges you to dig deeper in your faith. I have gone through this devotional many times over the years and I never tire of it. It pushes me with each and every entry, no matter how many times I re-read it.

Today's entry made me want to write here. The reference verse is Matthew 5:20...

"Except you righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven."

He goes on to say "The characteristic of a disciple is not that he does good things, but that he is good in motive because he has been made good by the supernatural grace of God. The only thing that exceeds right-doing is right-being."

This really spoke to me. I see myself and countless others "try" so hard sometimes to be good Christians. We talk about how hard it is to be a Christian. Actually, we whine about it, don't we? But really, we are looking at things all wrong. Why are we trying to be so good? Why don't we just be good?

What is our motive? To do good things or to be a good person? To do godly things or to be godly?
So very often we look through the glass darkly. Our perspective is completely skewed and we get lost in what we are "supposed" to see. We need a new perspective! Well, really we need a really old perspective. We need to return to God's perspective. We took up so many new perspectives over the years that now we are just lost and confused.

I have been listening in on a photography workshop this weekend and the topic is all about vision. Your vision for your work, business, art... One statement that was made was really great. It was concerning finding your own vision and style and not trying to live up to the styles and visions of others:

"You are the only one with your perspective." - David du Chemin

This is really encouraging to me as an artist. Sometimes I feel like a failure because I didn't achieve that particular image I loved that so-n-so did. But I lost sight that I achieved a great image that was completely mine and not an attempted duplicate of another's. This statement freed me to break out of the "I'm a failure" attitude and allows me to fail without really failing all over. Did that make sense? If not, sorry!

However...

This statement in another context can be true and a bad thing. As a human being, we do have our own perspectives. We see things the way we see things, not as others do. Spiritually, this can be a very bad thing. We ARE the only ones with our perspective. But that can lead to trouble!

Society has really been working over the years to get us to believe we need to have our own mind. And to a certain degree, this is true. But their agenda has taken it too far. Now, everyone is just confused. There is no black and white of wrong and right and morals have been tossed aside for personal satisfaction and selfishness.

God tells us in Philippians 2:5...

"Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus."

We need to get our minds aligned with His. We need to see things as He sees them. To stop focusing on what is going on in our lives and instead look at the bigger picture. We see being a Christian means making hard choices. Temptation comes against us and we struggle.

Why?

No, I don't want excuses. Not even my own excuses! We should have the mind of Christ on at all times so that the "hard" choices become no-brainers! When a decision is hard, it tells me that my priorities are not aligned correctly with God's.

Am I more concerned about what others will think of me than what my Heavenly Father will think?

Do I desire more to satisfy my flesh or to glorify my Saviour?

Is control my motive or am I seeking wisdom from the Great Counselor?

These are really the choices we make each day. I guess the bottom line when we are tempted and come to a crossroad of a difficult decision.

Lord, help me to stay focused on Your plans for my days and not on my own agenda. Open my eyes to Your perspective on things and not my own and definitely not the world's. Remind me that choices should not be hard when my mind is fixed on You, but they will become no-brainers.

I Don't Want to Go Through The Motions...

2010-07-15T18:25:00.000-05:00

My heart aches and screams these lyrics yet I feel like my feet are weighted with cement blocks. How do I take another step? Which direction do I go? Why do I feel so alone in these feelings?

2010-07-05T23:01:00.002-05:00

I am going to be thankful for the few followers as it's so not like me to share very personal things. I stop and look at my life now and wonder when it happened. When did I decide that hiding would be best for me? When did I decided to stop letting others in and stop letting me out?

A lot has changed in me over the years. I guess that is what's going to happen by the time you turn 34, right? I have spent a lot of time reflecting on things the past few years. I never seem to go anywhere with it but that is okay. Maybe? Boy, I feel so random! Rabbit chase, anyone?

So, I guess instead of trying to explain everything going on in my head, I will just start writing. My mind is so complicated right now I don't feel anything intelligible is going to come out!

I have discovered something about myself over the years that really took a while to understand. I first noticed it in others. That seems to happen alot with me. Seeing something in others that I find in me, just can't understand it until I see it in another. Ya know? No? Well, bear with me...

Being a Psych major, I tend to analyze everything. Or at least that gives me an excuse for analyzing, right? I'm definitely a people watcher, but more than what they are wearing or doing. More like WHY are they wearing and doing. I try to see deeper and understand. I'm so wierd, I think that is fun. Yup, I'm a dork like that.

Anyway... I noticed that in people who have been abused tended to kind of "freeze" in that area of their life. Like their maturity stops there. Sure, they grow up to become responsible adults but there is always something there that doesn't seem to have matured. I started to understand that was the case in my life as well. Not necessarily physical or sexual abuse or even abuse at all. Just something in their life that was traumatic (whether they noticed or not) and it hindered them from completely growing up and maturing fully. It sounds so crazy! So I kind of kept that theory to myself. Because even though I know I'm nuts, everyone else doesn't have to know, right?

I started to apply that theory to my life as a means to start to work out some things that I was tired of working on. I was so tired of hiding in my shell away from the world in hopes to stop getting hurt. I could see all that I was missing! I needed to step out but the fear gripped me. So I learned how to find the right people that are safe to be around. Not that everyone in your life needs to be this 'safe' person. But it's important to have a friend or two that can be close enough to know all of you. They have to be someone you can trust. I needed someone who could let me be me in all my clumsy mess and still lvoe and accept me. I needed someone who had the same morals and values. Someone who could keep me accountable to what we both understood to be important. I didn't need someone to share my woes with. I needed someone to be there and guide me to do the right thing, not to wallow or vent and comiserate together. Misery loves company but I don't want misery!

I thought about the people in my life who could be this friend for me. My list was very small, but that is okay! At least I had a list! These are people that I ended up shutting out long ago from the fears I held as well as some new ones that I never did let in.

Then I took a jump.

I started to contact these people. Often. I started to make plans with them. I started to interact with them more. Went out of my way if I needed. I am a human being and have needs just like anyone else. I needed to be needy. I had to let them know what needs I had. This was SO not easy for a private person like me. Maybe living in the fishbowl of ministry got me to hide behind the rocks for too long.

So here I was pushing to make an effort at friendships. In times past, when I attempted to spend true quality time with friends it never seemed to amount to much. I wrote it off as they were too busy or ??? and just retreated back into my hole. But this time I was determined and found that my perspective was all wrong! They were not rejecting me, they were feeling the same as me! They, too, were afraid others were too busy for them and did not want to bother anyone. This was why neither of us called back, we always felt the other should have called if they really wanted to do this.

Silly women...

Long story short (too late?), I forced myself out of my cave and faced my fears head on. With a couple friends I could really, truly trust. I do not recommend you do this with just anyone! Make sure you find someone who fits your qualifications as an amazing friend. Honestly, godliness... a true heart for loving God and loving you. You can still keep your other friends too, but keep these special friends close in your heart to help guard you and motivate you to stay on the right path.

It has been an amazing transformation for me. I know this must sound so hokey, but it really has been sucha great change! I feel so free! Knowing I have someone to call on, interact with, goof off with... It's been refreshing to let my hair down around them and be myself again.

The new self.

The one who is growing up.

Randomness...

2010-07-02T23:51:00.003-05:00

There is so much going on in my mind these days that when I think of writing something here, I feel so overwhelmed! How do I get it all out in writing in a way that makes sense? Especially when it doesn't even all make sense in my own mind!

I have been feeling like I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnels. I am seeing more and more of who I am and who I need to be. But also who I was and how I don't want to see that person again.

I have been reading more. More fiction and more non-fiction... more of just lots of things. I'm really trying to take it all in and seek answers that I didn't even know I had questions too.

But in all of this chaos that is my mind, I am understanding more and more that it is well with my soul. No matter what comes, it is well. God is so faithful and trustworthy. I don't fear what the enemy will do because the enemy will not win. I fear my own choices. I am not always sure I am makeing the right ones. But I know this will come as I seek Him more.

Sorry if this is so random. I plan to try to blog something here even if it doesn't always make sense in itself. This growing process has got my head so full of thoughts, it's been difficult to sort through enough to write anything intelligible. Or maybe it's because I need more adult conversation in my life. :) Whatever it is, I need to be here more.

Just to clue you in to some things that I'm pondering these days... I'm reading "When A Nation Forgets God" by Erwin Lutzer. I recently read Lisa Whelchel's "Friendships For GrownUps" and have been chewing on the meat found in daily devotions in Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost For His Highest." No matter how many times I read this last one, it never gets old. I've had it for years and still come back to it for refreshing and encouraging. It's challenging and digs deep. Just what I need.

Good stuff. Almost as good as my Bible. But that always wins, doesn't it. :)

xoxo

Proverbs 22:6...

2010-06-12T10:09:00.002-05:00

Dear Lord,

Joshua is moving into his "terrible twos" and Jeremiah is becoming a little too independent (bossy and headstrong)... Mommy is wearing thin at times. I don't want to give in to their whines out of exhaustion. Please give me the strength and wisdom to parent and discipline them now while they are a "manageable" size so I don't have to untrain and retrain them when they are teens (and taller than me). Help me to not focus on the investment now but on the long term benefits.

Love,
A Tired Mommy

P.S. And as often as needed, please step in and take over so I can get a nap.

Long Time No See?

2010-05-26T17:44:00.002-05:00

This blog has been long neglected, I know. To be honest, the main reason is because I have really been struggling with a lot of things in my life. My life is so wonderful and I am so blessed! However the deep dark side of depression has been rearing it's ugly head in many areas of my life. The weight of it all has kept me down mentally, physically and even spiritually. I've been treading water, so to speak, to keep life flowing as normal as possible for my family and business but the sunshine face can only last for so long before the darkness fades back in.

Like so many others, I was afraid to show this side of me - the side of failures. Being in the limelight of ministry tends to make you feel like you need to have it all together at all times. We mustn't be a stumbling block or discourage others, right? UGH.

The ironic thing is that this fear of showing my failings has kept me from posting here. Why is that ironic? Well, um... this IS supposed to be about my journey in my faith, right? And this is actually a big part of the journey so why am I not sharing?

Looking back through previous posts, I see a pattern. Most of the posts seem to stem from the topic of my depression. And I often come to a place where I start to feel like I've finally licked it. *whew* But no, it just settles down dormant for a little while, giving me a false sense of security only to show up again just when I don't need it the most.

Gee, how depressing.

The good news is that I am finally seeing some light at the end of this tunnel I've been avoiding. If I close my eyes to it then I won't see the dark tunnel and can pretend it's not there, right? Just like the little girl last week playing hide-n-seek. She couldn't find a good place to hide so she positioned herself under a table in the wide open and just covered her eyes with her hand thinking that was going to take care of it. Unfortunately, we do that with many areas of our life. At least I am finding that I do this. (Raise your hand if you're with me!)

I'm forcing myself out of my comfort zone and trying to learn more about myself. I'm digging in and uncovering some things that aren't so fun to uncover but at the same time I am relieved to be tearing up roots to some very weeds in my life. It's not a pleasant journey but a necessary one. So far I've mostly been finding things I've known but haven't really acknowledged. That is the first step for me to cut into the roots - finding them and knowing where/what they are.

I'm sorry if this post seems so vague. It's not very easy for me to write even this much so I plan to take it a step at a time. Hope that's ok.

xoxo

Psalm 6...

2010-05-19T15:06:00.003-05:00

O Lord, rebuke me not in thine anger, neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.

Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak: O Lord, heal me; for my bones are vexed.

My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O Lord, how long?

Return, O Lord, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies' sake.

For in death there is no rememberance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks?

I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.

Mine eye is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies.

Depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity; for the Lord hath head the voice of my weeping.

The Lord hath heard my supplication; the Lord wil receive my prayer.

Let all mine enemies be ashamed and sore vexed: let them return and be ashamed suddenly.

Well, The House Is Clean...

2010-02-24T10:51:00.002-06:00

That is the thought I had when I picked up the last of the clutter this morning. Everything was picked up and laundry on it's way. Beds were made and surfaces were cleared and cleaned off. I was thinking about how I hadn't started Jeremiah's schoolwork for the day yet and in an attempt to make myself feel better I thought to myself, "Well, the house is clean." But immediately my heart was prompted...

But what about your heart?

I knew that the few moments I spent with my Bible and prayer weren't enough for today and I needed to make sure I made more time for this today. Yes, the house may be clean and Jeremiah may get his schoolwork done and Joshua will not starve to death (from food or attention) but what will this mean for me, for us, in the whole scheme of things? What will a clean house and well educated son be worth when my heart is not clean before God. All is vanity.

"What profit hath a man of all his labor which he taketh under the sun?"

~Ecclesiastes 1:3

Yes, it's good to keep your house clean and to make sure your kids are getting what they need to learn and grow. But there must be a balance and priorities must be right.

Lord, please help me to get my priorities straight and balanced according to YOUR will for my life. No matter how clean or messy my home is, keep my heart clean before You. Restore my spirit to a right relationship with Yours.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."

~Psalm 51:10

Faith Lives Here...

2009-10-14T09:48:00.002-05:00

Faith came singing into my room,
And other guests took flight.
Grief, anxiety, fear and gloom,
Sped out into the night.

I wondered that such peace could be,
But Faith said gently, "Don't you see,
That they can never live with me?"

~Elizabeth Cheney

Dreaming...

2009-10-13T22:45:00.002-05:00

Lately I'm dreaming for simpler times. Not that I just want to have time to sit around and do nothing (although that does sound appealing!). I long for a life that is simpler. Not one filled with so many contrasting opinions, distractions and temptations. I am finding that although the world we live in is filled with these and we cannot hide from it all, we can lower the amount of them and also overwhelm them with good so they are less in our lives. By filling my days and mind with things of God and less of this junk, I can keep my focus better and life becomes simple again.

Seek God.
Trust God.
Thank God.
Serve God.
Praise God.
Love God.
Obey God.

God. It's that simple.

Selfishness...

2009-09-28T09:13:00.003-05:00

The further along in my journey, I find that selfishness seems to be the root of all my problems. Not trusting God is a key too but they go together in a way.

I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Last night God revealed to me some things that might hurt my ego but opened my eyes and my heart to move forward instead of laying stagnant in my journey.

A minister came to our church and spoke on the power of prayer and specifically healing. I was in the nursery with Joshua and a bunch of other rowdy boys and tried to follow along by watching the service feeding into the TV mounted on the wall. I felt strongly to go out there and have him pray for me about this struggle with depression. As the time ticked on I thought maybe I would not get the chance but then slowly, one by one the mothers came to gather their children. Some to leave (the service lasted an hour over the usual time) and others just to take the kids back to sit with them.

I was apprehensive about going up for prayer from this man. I had been to many "healing" services that just didn't seem right but this one was very different. We don't usually have "healing" services of this kind. I was not apprehensive because of skepticism. I was apprehensive because of selfishness, namely pride.

*GASP* "The pastor's wife needs spiritual help?"

Why do people think we are spiritually immune to the devil's attacks? We are still just as human as everyone else. Unfortunately.

After the service I didn't notice anything drastic changing. No fireworks or earthquakes. No money falling from the sky. But as I gave Joshua a bath I noticed I had a song on my lips. I was more patient with the kid covered from head to toe with yogurt screaming to stand up and get the shampoo bottle. I felt lighter in my heart. The anger and pain I had felt like a wet blanket over my head had been finally lifted. The unforgiveness that plagued my heart was washed away. The desire to seek and serve Him was refreshingly overwhelming. Oh, how I missed this! It was good to be "home" - where my Savior lives in my heart, clear of all the junk I horded up from past rejections and disappointments. Now with each breath I feel lighter and lighter.

As I sat there singing to and scrubbing my little guy, God spoke to me. Depression is so selfish! It's not much different than suicide. It me deciding that I am defeated. That God is not big enough to do anything about it. That I am most important and that I must be happy only when my "needs" are met. It is no fun to have so many hurts and rejection in your life. To be constantly faced with disappointments. These are definite reasons to make anyone feel sad. But when you are focused on seeking God's face and longing only to be with Him, you will find yourself with Him and then you can rejoice! Knowing that He loves you is far more satisfying than the whole world bowing before you. When I put my selfish desire to be happy away and turn to Him, I find that there I am the happiest. The pure Joy from God is so amazing, when I try to describe it I am left speechless. So instead I will just pray that you, too, can find this everlasting Joy and Peace today.

"Father, we know we could never earn eternal life. The fact that you have given it to us freely makes it even more precious to us." ~ Corrie Ten Boom

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God. ~ Ephesians 2:8

Ugh.

2009-09-23T14:39:00.003-05:00

Lord, I don't like myself today. I love who You created me to be but I'm less than thrilled with who I've created out of me.

This was my thought for several days in a row. Then it occurred to me that although I was coming to a place of admitting I was not so wonderful, I still had a ways to go.

"...less than thrilled..."

Um, that could still mean pretty good, but just under the thrilled mark. Right?

Ugh. Try again, Joanne.

Lord, I don't like myself today. I love who You created me to be but I hate who I've created myself to be.

And it is not until this statement is completely true that I can finally start living again. I need to hate who I've created. That person who I molded with my own hands. That mold that will fall apart in the fire because of an inadequate sculptor. I may have fashioned my art with all the passion I could muster but it will still fall short compared to the Master's work. Then where will my pride find me? What good is that pride now that I've lost? Worthless. Vanity of vanities.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

~Psalm 51:10

Quiet Reflection...

2009-08-19T13:06:00.003-05:00

This blog has been so quiet for so long... it's actually been a representation of my life this year. Can I be honest here? Is that ok? Is that ok with me?

I began the journey of this year with the word FAITHFULNESS. It was my word to focus on this year in my everyday life and with my spiritual eyes. Things are funny how they turn out differently than anyone expects, right? God is good like that. Keeps us on our toes.

This year so far has been a struggle for me. It seems in every area of my life I had struggles and obstacles and trials and... you get the picture. My life is not a hard life, it really isn't. But still I struggled with so many things inside my self. The main struggles were in my spiritual walk and this is the area that affects every other area of life.

I never felt like I questioned God's faithfulness. I know He is unfailing and He is always faithful. I had experienced enough of this truth in my own life to know for a fact that He is faithful to be faithful to me.

No, it was my own faithfulness that seemed to be on the line. Depression clouded my days and left me feeling more and more hopeless with each turn of the calendar. Sure, I had wonderful moments that were so filled with joy but that seemed to fade so quickly for me and I was once again returned to my dark, lonely pit. In this darkness I didn't even realize I was losing my grip. Where I once clung to God for dear life, I was now slipping in weakness and was unaware of what was going on. By the time I did wake up to see what was going on, I was paralyzed and could only watch as the days rolled by. I felt completely unable to do anything about it.

Over time, I have slowly been climbing out of this pit. Realizing I was lost was the first step. It always is, isn't it? It was extremely difficult to even decide to do something about it. Hope was faint in my ability to do anything. I knew God could do anything, but could I do anything at all?

Dear friends, He is ever faithful. As I questioned my faithfulness and my strength, I was living out what I knew in my head - in my weakness, He is strong. He is my strength when I am weak. When I sat and thought about it, it never made sense to even me. How could I believe God could do anything but then not believe He could get me out of this mess? Often I've wondered how others lived like this and here I was experiencing it first hand. (So be careful what you question! lol)

After recognizing my desolation, I cried for help. Not like I had been calling for help, but I CRIED for help. From the depths of my soul I cried. With agonizing desparation I cried out to God to save me. I was so filled with lies that I was no longer worthy of His love that I felt I could not call on Him. Have you ever felt this way?

But God is faithful to be faithful.

Although I tried to leave Him (mostly unknowingly), He never left me. And not only did He not leave, He never retracted His outstretched hand to me. A lonely, empty path I was on left me cold and dead. Not feeling His presence in my life for so long is the most awful feeling I have ever felt. The term "Godforsaken" means much more to me than a passing description used in vain. To feel His presence again is a warmth deep in my soul, right to the core. A feeling of safety and comfort. A feeling of belonging. A feeling of love. Yes, this is what true love is.

I understand that I may not always feel His presence like this. Times get dark and life gets confusing. But I know that trusting in His faithfulness I can live in the hope of knowing that what I cannot feel is still very alive and well in me. This is what real faith is. The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

I'm so happy to be "back" again. My prayer is that I grow in greater leaps and bounds than I ever have before. I pray that the fire not only never burns out within me but it becomes an uncontrollable inferno that rages and ignites everything around me with His love.

We started Jeremiah memorizing scripture and his first verse was Genesis 1:1 - "In the begining, God created the heavens and the earth." We talked about the sun, moon and earth a lot in our science lessons that week also. God set everything in perfect motion so that we don't fry from the sun being so close or get hit by randomly soaring stars... He created a perfect balance of air and water for each of us to thrive. The moon is an empty desolate place. No air, no water... no life. Man is determined to go to great lengths to go there. Just to say we've been? I am not knocking NASA or science but it reminded me of how we are like this spiritually. We have at our fingertips all we need and yet we desire to go to a desolate land where we cannot thrive, just for the sake of sayng we are going where no one else has been. How exciting to walk on the moon. But spiritually, I don't want to be there.

Sometimes moving forward is a step in the wrong direction. Sometimes we need to step back to where we need to be - on the straight and narrow path. An open mind is good, but not too open that your brains fall out. Keep your focus on Him and His leading. Open your mind to understand, not to join in with every passing fad. Open your mind and ears to hear His voice. Open your heart to Him.

God is so good and He is ever faithful. Are you?

Psalm 6

O Lord, rebuke me not in thine anger, neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.

Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak: O Lord, heal me; for my bones are vexed.

My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O Lord, how long?

Return, O Lord, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies' sake.

For in death there is no remembrance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks?

I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.

Mine eye is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies.

Depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity; for the Lord hath heard the voice of my weeping.

The Lord hath heard my supplication; the Lord will receive my prayer.

Let all mine enemies be ashamed and sore vexed" let them return and be ashamed suddenly.

Perfectly Foolish

2009-04-13T08:36:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I randomly open up my Bible and just read where it fell open. Do you ever do this?

Today I opened up in Galatians to Chapter 3 and saw where I underlined and made notes once upon a time. When I got to verse three I had to stop and ponder a moment.

"Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit,

are ye now made perfect by the flesh?"

Selah.

Yesterday my heart was burdened (as usual) for my sweet Jeremiah. He can be so stubborn and defiant and although the consequences are horrible in his eyes, he cannot bring himself to do even the littlest thing to avoid it. One example from yesterday was when he cranked up the sound on a toy and we asked him to turn it down. It turned into a knock-down drag out battle of wills. He got several spankings in the midst of it and sent to time out and it went on too long when all he had to do was turn it down. It wasn't even something he was playing with, he just wanted it a certain way. He screamed bloody murder from fear of a discipline but even got so mad he swatted at Daddy. That sure didn't help anyone. As I watched this go on I felt the same as I do when it goes on day after day.

What is going on in his head? I sure don't remember what it's like to be an almost 5 year old.

I spent time praying specifically about this. For Jeremiah to understand better. For us to understand more. Obedience and peace for Jeremiah. Patience and wisdom for us.

But I also spent a lot of time trying to figure out what will work better. What consequence would get his attention better? What disciplinary tactics will help transform him into the happy kid he needs to be to stay safe and healthy?

I would guess that I spent more time doing this than praying about it and waiting for instructions from God. This verse this morning reminded me of this weight on my heart.

Am I so foolish?

Am I so foolish to believe that I can trust that God will give me all wisdom and understanding and so I need not turn to Him anymore but can now handle everything all on my own? Am I so perfect to perfect myself (by myself) with no more need of Him?

Yes and No.

Yes, I am foolish. No, I am not so perfect.

God's grace is completely sufficient for me. Completely. My works and actions will not make me better and will for sure not make me perfect. My faith must be bigger than my hearing of it.

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:"

~Philippians 1:6

Dear Lord, I am so weak in my flesh. I know you have started a good work in me... please don't let me get in the way of you completing it. I like to complete projects but this is not one for me to complete. Remind me often that YOU are the Master and I am just to be clay in Your hands, molded as You desire. I leave all my burdens and 'projects' in Your hands and will wait on You for guidance to do or to be still. Thank You, Lord for loving me.

Sooner than Later...

2009-04-08T10:15:00.002-05:00

As I'm sitting here typing this my 4 year old is sitting at the table, staring at his toast. He's been sitting there for over an hour now... almost and hour and a half. He's a control freak and a hard one to break. First he said he wanted to eat it in his room. Then he decided he didn't want milk, he wanted juice. After 45 minutes he decided that I should put the timer on and he'd hurry up and eat if it was a race. And here we are still with a cold, hard, buttered toast and cup of milk, timer still quiet by the oven.

I was at least able to get a lot done. I finished my breakfast, Joshua finished his and got all cleaned up, fed Joshua his milk, tidied up the living room a bit put Joshua down for a nap, started a load of laundry, and did the dishes. And since Jeremiah is still sitting at the table starting at his toast, I might have a moment to blog something here!

Watching his obstinate little brain working, it makes me very sad. I am thankful that he is stong willed in his beliefs, it's just the beliefs I'm concerned about! He has always been a controling kid. Always had to have things just perfect in his world, just like he wanted... no, NEEDED them to be. Even as an infant, you could set your clock to his routine. And if it was ever disturbed in the least, the world would fall apart around him. Due to the well-meaning advice of others, I wasted so much energy and time trying to change this aspect of him by pushing the limits and forcing him to get out of his routine. In the end it was all vanity and we were left with a cranky, frightened kid and a distraught, discouraged mother. But I continued to push him and now he throws routine out the window and is still a cranky, frightened kid. Only now he is also cranky about a routine too. *sigh*

He has since loosened up a bit. A BIT. Now that he's older and can understand more, he is able to reason that there may be other ways to do things and other reasons to do things differently than his brilliant ideas. But it is still a struggle.

So I sit here and I ask myself... what can God show me through this? Then I remember to ask GOD what HE can show me through this.

Patience.
Stubborness.
Selfishness.
Unconditional Love.
Discipline.
Persistence.
Focus.

Patience to help me continue to do the right thing and not give in to what is easy.
Stubborness of a little boy not willing to give up his control and a parent not willing to give up.
Selfishness in a child who wants his way.
Unconditional Love of a parent to her son.
Discipline is important in our lives to help us to make right choices.
Persistence at doing what is right in the long run and not what is easy now.
Focus to keep our minds on what really matters.

I also see that God has these traits in times like this...

Patience as He watches His rebellious children make mistakes and bad choices over and over again.
Stubborness in how He will not give up on us no matter what the cost to Him (or His Son).
Selfishness as He desires our complete adoration and praise for Him for He alone is worthy.
Discipline of a Father who wants to see His children grow up healthy, whole, righteous and happy.
Persistence as He reminds us again and again of His love and what is true and right.
Focus on the end - eternity with Him.

Woa. What all is God teaching YOU today?

P.S. Jeremiah is now finished with His toast and happily following the remainder of the routine again. Praise the Lord! Guess I should have learned all this sooner so we could have been done with the tantrums sooner!

A Thousand Generations...

2009-03-05T13:09:00.003-06:00

I've been studying verses about faithfulness, trying to focus on the word "faithful". God's faithfulness and well as ours. Here's a random thought from one I read today:

"Know therefore that the Lord thy God, he is God, the faithful God,

which keepeth covenant and mercy with them that love him and keep his commandments to a thousand generations."

~Deuteronomy 7:9

A thousand generations is a long time, isn't it? This is a long time to be faithful. But then... isn't that what being faithful is all about?

God is always so faithful to us. Even if it were not recorded in the scriptures, it is evident in all of our lives if we want to see it. He is a perfect example of how to be faithful to do what is right and true in our lives.

Tell your children, help them tell their children, and help them tell their children... pass down the heritage of faithfulness.

This, Too, Shall Pass...

2009-02-25T09:37:00.006-06:00

By no means is my life horrible or worse than anyone else's. In fact, I think we are so incredibly blessed beyond anything we could have ever dreamed. But do you ever have one of those days (weeks/months/years...) when you feel so overwhelmed that you think you might never see the light again?

Sometimes its just a huge pile of little annoyances. Lots of little things that go wrong or bad or just not well. All these things pile up and overwhelm you until you feel like you just can't breathe anymore. You know those days?

It's times like this that I fnd myself looking around for a glimmer of hope. Usually I find it in someone else that has been through a lot and made it through. It may not be the same problem I'm going through, but just seeing someone get through gives me hope and reminds me that this, too, shall pass. Even something small like potty training can seem like something that is never going to happen. But just look around at all the well-trained potty-ers walking around the world today... it, too, will happen for you!

This is not a quote from the Bible but rather from a story of King Solomon:

King Solomon, feeling blue, asked his advisors to find him a ring he had once seen in a dream."When I feel satisfied I’m afraid that it won’t last. And when I don’t, I am afraid my sorrow will go on forever. Find me the ring that will ease my suffering." he demanded.

Solomon sent out all of his advisors, and eventually one of them met an old jeweler who carved into a simple gold band the inscription, "this too shall pass." When the king received his ring and read the inscription, his sorrows turned to joy and his joy to sorrows, and then both gave way to equanimity.

Do you remember how discontented King Solomon was? If not, read the first chapter of Ecclesiastes again. He found that no matter what happened, life went on around you. The world kept spinning, the seasons continued to rotate in and out... there was nothing to do to stop it. And there was no reason to do so. Life went on. Things got better. Sometimes they got worse but they also had moments of getting better again too.

Maybe I should find a trinket of sorts to remind me of this truth. Something like King Solomon's ring. Or maybe I can see it everyday in the lives of others. I just need to be looking for it. It's always a good thing to keep an eye open for the good things in life, right?

Be on the lookout for true satisfaction this week!

Big Decisions...

2009-01-20T10:07:00.003-06:00

I have decided... to follow Jesus...
I have decided to follow Jesus...
I have decided to follow Jesus...
No turning back, no turning back.

Though none go with me, still I will follow.
Though none go with me, still I will follow.
Though none go with me, still I will follow...
No turning back, no turning back.

Remember this song? We sang it in church this past Sunday and it's been ringing in my ears ever since. I learned this song as a child when my mom used to take us to the Korean churches. I giggle when I think about those churches where the main service was all in Korean so the kids went to a different section because most of us were only half Korean and even fewer spoke fluent Korean. So we went to Kid's church where all the leaders were Korean and everything was taught in "Engrish". =)

It's one of those songs that just roll out. I don't have to think about it, I can sing it without even knowing it because I've heard it and sung it so many times over the years. You know those songs?

But this Sunday I was all alone. Jeremiah was back with the kids in their classrooms. Joshua was kidnapped by a family member in another pew. John was up front getting ready to preach. It was just me. It has been a while since I was able to fully pay attention to every detail of the service and not who was needing something from me. It was nice! I may let them kidnap the baby more often. Maybe not. lol I have a hard time doing that.

Anyway... so I'm singing this familiar song and I am tasting every single word. I thought deeply about every line (there are only like 3 so it wasn't hard!) and pushed myself to meditate on it's meaning. I remembered the days when I didn't mean every word. When I selectively chose certain aspects of Christianity to follow but didn't completely follow Jesus.

I thought about how that wasn't really deciding to follow Him. As this song says, it is an all or nothing decision. I took a moment to exam my heart. Was I completely following Him today? Did I truly make the decision or just commit to parts of it? If none went with me, would I still follow?

Ponder these thoughts today as you examine your heart. Purpose to follow Him completely and fully... no turning back.

Prayer For Today...

2009-01-16T08:53:00.002-06:00

Lord, sometimes I feel like I'm barely surviving the day. Are the kids alive and fed and generally happy? Is the house tolerably clean? I know this is not the life you want me to live. Today I pray for your strength to not just get me through the day but to thrive. Give me peace to organize my thoughts and wisdom to know how to organize my day. Bless me with Your grace, mercy, love, forgiveness so I can impart that to others. I want others to see Jesus in me instead of a tired mother. There is so much Joy in knowing You, bring that to the forefront of what people see when they are watching me...

Ever Feel Like This?

2009-01-15T09:11:00.003-06:00

God is indeed good to Israel, to the pure in heart. But as for me, my feet almost slipped; my steps nearly went astray. For I envied the arrogant; I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

They have an easy time until they die, and their bodies are well-fed. They are not in trouble like others; they are not afflicted like most people. Therefore, pride is their necklace, and violence covers them like a garment. Their eyes bulge from fatness; the imaginations of their hearts run wild. They mock, and they speak maliciously; they arrogantly threaten oppression. They set their mouths agains heaven, and their tongues strut across the earth. Therefore His people turn to them and drink in their overflowing waters. They say, "How can God know? Does the Most High know everything?"

Look at them - the wicked! They are always at ease, and they increase their wealth. Did I purify my heart and wach my hands in innocence for nothing? For I am affliceted all day long, and punished every morning. If I had decided to say these things aloud, I would have betrayed Your people.

When I tried to understand all this, it seemed hopeless until I entered God's sanctuary. Then I understood their destiny. Indeed You put them in slippery places; You make them fall into ruin. How suddenly they become a desolation! They come to an end, swept away by terrors. Like one waking from a dream, Lord, when arising, You will despise their image.

When I became embittered and my innermost being was wounded, I was a fool and didn't understand; I was an unthinking animal toward You.

Yet I am always with You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me up in glory. Whom do I have in heaven but You? And I desire nothing on earth bu You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever. Those far from You will certainly perish; You destroy all who are unfaithful to You.

But as for me, God's presence is my food. I have made the Lord God my refuge, so I can tell about all You do.

~Psalm 73

Parenting Classes...

2009-01-14T10:33:00.002-06:00

I was at a meeting last night and a guy my husband knows was there also. I was sitting there with Joshua and he came up and asked "Is this little John?" I laughed and explained that Jeremiah was "Little John" since he acts just like him. They both have to have everything in order and in place or they get all upset about it! lol

This conversation reminded me of a passage I read last week in John Chapter 5 (see how slowly this blog follows! haha!)

Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath and the church folk were all upset about it and got even more upset when Jesus mentioned God as His Father...

"Then answered Jesus and said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise."

~John 5:19

We as parents have a great responsibility to our children. We are the standard they are witnessing as they mature.

No pressure!

Now I'm not saying that your children will be exactly like us when they grow up or that they will only be as wonderful as we are... but we are their prime examples in every area of their lives. They look to us to model for them how to learn and be teachable, how to serve and be humble, how to share and love others... If they do not see this in us, will they get it somewhere else? Maybe, if they are able to see others doing these things and they are able to understand that it is something they are to desire that we are lacking.

Every parent becomes aware of this when the children are still very young. Especially when the child opens his/her mouth and the parent comes out. You parents know exactly what I mean! Like the time Jeremiah got upset with me and told me to go to time out, complete with a stern look on his face and hands on his hips.

Yeah, those times...

But sometimes we forget this fact and somehow think our kids will figure it out and do right just because we told them to, not because we are modeling it.

So how do we deal with this immense pressure to model perfection for our children? Hmmm.... perhaps we need to model perfection from our own Father. No, we are not going to be perfect. But we are striving to live holy lives, right? And just where do we get the example? From our perfectly wonderful Heavenly Father, through His Word and His Son, Jesus. Spending time with Him each day and meditating on His Word give us a better understanding of how He 'ticks' and how we can fall into step with Him.

Are you the parent He has called you to be? Are you modeling good and holy character to your children? If no (and even if yes), then spend more time with your Heavenly Father for frequent parenting tips!

"Trials and Tests"

2009-01-12T09:43:00.002-06:00

A young man visited our Sunday School class because he had a crush on a girl that attends our church. He did not appear to know much about going to church and I believe he said his father would not go to church and didn't really want him to go either. While were discussing trials in our lives and how God helps us overcome, he piped up and offered, "God puts you through trials and tests to see if you are worthy of His love."

Wow. My heart just sank. How awful to think this is the way it is! Yet, I believe many people believe this - even though they may not know they do. How lonely and sad to think that you are only loved by God if you can get through the hard times. Quite honestly, I don't think I would not have made it through the hard times if it wasn't for His love for me. No, I KNOW I would not have made it.

It reminded me of this verse:

"Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But ever man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed."

James 1:13-14

This tells me that God does not put us through trials and tests to see if we deserve His love. One thing is right: we are NOT worthy of His love. BUT... the good news is that He loves us anyway. Not only do we not have to pass a test for Him to love us, He loves us even in all of our messed up ways.

But the hard times still come. Those "trials and tests" that we go through? He has something to say about that also:

"Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him."

~James 1:12

The bad times come to everyone. Good times do too. If there is a rhyme or reason to it, we don't know it and it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we rely on God to get through it. His saving grace, His amazing love... these are all we need to push through and make it to Heaven. Don't turn your back on this opportunity. If you don't use your free ticket and get yourself on the train, you can't complain that He left you behind...

Gift Wrapped...

2009-01-07T07:30:00.003-06:00

I just love the the Bible is so full of good stuff, you can't get take it all in with just one sitting. There are so many tidbits of things God likes to share that He stuffed into each chapter that sometimes you just have to take it slow to swallow it all, you know? I just love that.

I feel like I'm creeping along but I just get so blessed so I have to stop and meditate and wait to take more in until I'm filled up in the one area! Even in these passages I've read hundreds of times. It's like reading them for the first time all over again. I just love that too. :)

This morning as I sipped my hot chocolate (it's snowing out and cocoa is warm!), I read in John, Chapter 4 about the Samaritan woman at the well. As I read, I pictured this woman shamefully coming to the public well at an odd time of day. I read once before that since she would have been considered an outcast by her lifestyle of living with a man she was not married to, she came at a time when no one was there in an attempt to possibly avoid ridicule. How sad is this?

The obvious point of the story is that we are "drawing" from the world and trying to satisfy ourselves by the things in the world instead of being completely and fully satisfied in God. Verse 6 tells us that she is drawing from a well that was Jacob's, father of Joseph. As you know, these were men who loved and served God. I thought about how sometimes people lean on the faith of those before us to carry us through. I have heard many times over the years how people that do not want God in their life still rely on the prayers of their mother or the faith of their grandfather. Yes, those prayers work and yes, that faith of your ancestors plays a part as it passes down the truth to each generation... but these cannot save you.

You will not be satisfied.

This woman knows her life is a mess. She does not feel worthy to meet at the well when others meet. She is ashamed. It is sad that others would treat her this way but I think even if they didn't, she might still feel the same.

Jesus knows all about her but does He condemn her too? No. Instead He offers her the same offer as you...

"But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life."

~ John 4:14

He says that she, too, is able to receive His love and salvation. She may have given up and just hoped that being near the godly men of old times would help her to find a glimmer or hope from God and then here comes God in human form to offer her eternity with Him. God is so good to us.

And it gets better!

Not only does He show her mercy by giving her this gift, He uses her to tell others about Him so that others can believe too!

Today you may feel unworthy of God's love. You are. We all are. But you know what else? He loves us anyway. He really does. And He has a special gift for you too gift wrapped in His own Son. Just like those presents with the ribbon making the shape of the cross as it wraps around the box, our gift is wrapped up in the Savior's love and sacrifice for us.

And you know what else? He CAN use you too. If you let Him.

Be loved this morning. Let Him love you and let Him use you to help others know He loves them too.

P.S. After typing this up, I remembered something my husband showed me yesterday that really blessed me. Click -->HERE<-- and check it out!

The Climb...

2009-01-06T11:22:00.007-06:00

"My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is my strength of my heart, and my portion for ever."

~Psalm 73:26

There were many times over the years when I questioned faith. I questioned God and His ways. I questioned His faithfulness and forgiveness. I questioned my own faithfulness and dedication.

There were many times that I failed. I failed to listen. I failed to obey. I failed to commit. I failed to do what I knew was right.

There were also many times that I wanted to quit. I wasn't seeing the results I thought I should. I felt I was never going to get things right. I felt like it was just too hard.

But somewhere over the years, I found that I had finally made it over to the other side of the hill. I find that I no longer question God's faithfulness or the promises He makes in His Word. I just know that He is God and everything He says is true. I have just come to realize this. It did not happen overnight.

No, sireee.

Just like climbing a mountain, it took one step after another. Some steps were easy. Like the first ones. You know, when you still have all the energy and zeal. You have to remind yourself to pace yourself because you want to just take off running and climb the mountain in an hour! But you had to watch your step because sometimes going too fast will cause you to miss some very important steps and this could make you stumble and set yourself back a bit. Sometimes with an injury even. Then you might want to quit because you got hurt.

Some steps were hard. Like the ones right in the middle of your journey. You look to the top and it seems further away than when you started. You wonder why you have to weave back and forth across the mountain instead of going straight up. Your muscles are aching and screaming for you to rest. God gives you time to rest but you ignored it and now you are paying for it. Now when you stop to rest, you want to rest too long. Sometimes you even fall asleep. Then you are even more weary because you did not follow His instructions on how to take care of yourself as you climb this mountain. You no longer enjoy the blessings He's marked out along the way. You no longer see where He marked the trail for you to follow. You no longer rejoice when others make strides closer to the top. You want to just be there. You look for someone to help. You become bitter when they don't pick you up and carry you. You may remember that God is there to help but you don't like His help, He may want you to keep walking to keep you strong. He offers you strength and provisions but you just want to be carried. You are weak and breathless and feel you just can't possibly go on. You wonder if you'll ever get there. You may end up either staying in a little cleft in the rock where you become empty and lonely or you quit altogether.

But some steps get better. You press on and your adrenaline starts racing again. You focus on the top and get excited about the end. You decide you are going to finish the climb at all costs and you find your stride a little easier. The terrain has not improved, in fact it gets rougher in places. But you are following the instructions and hearing Him cheer you on with encouragement. You see the blessings He laid out for you. You see the markings He left for you to follow. You see them because you want to find them.

You are almost there!

One day you will not only get to the top of the mountain, you will be able to come down the other side into His valley of rest. The steps down the other side may not be easy either, it is still a mountain. But you will see the prize laid out before you and will have no fear or fret.

Oh, what a glorious day that will be!

Yes, dear friend... one day you will make it. Just don't stop too long and listen for His leading. You may have a few obstacles to fight through but you will make it. I will help you when I can along the way, I hope you will help me too. And oh how wonderful it will be on the other side! I'll meet you there and we'll have a party.

You are almost there.

What A Day That Will Be
There is coming a day,
When no heart aches shall come,
No more clouds in the sky,
No more tears to dim the eye,
All is peace forever more,
On that happy golden shore,
What a day, glorious day that will be.

What a day that will be,
When my Jesus I shall see,
And I look upon His face,
The One who saved me by His grace;
When He takes me by the hand,
And leads me through the Promised Land,
What a day, glorious day that will be.

There'll be no sorrow there,
No more burdens to bear,
No more sickness, no pain,
No more parting over there;
And forever I will be,
With the One who died for me,
What a day, glorious day that will be.

What a day that will be,
When my Jesus I shall see,
And I look upon His face,
The One who saved me by His grace;
When He takes me by the hand,
And leads me through the Promised Land,
What a day, glorious day that will be

I'm Walking In Sonshine...

2009-01-03T09:51:00.003-06:00

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son,

that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world;

but that the world through him might be saved.

He that believeth on him is not condemned:

but he that believeth not is condemned already,

because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God."

~ John 3:16-18

I rejoice when I read these words. I am so thankful for my Savior and all that He has done, is doing and is going to do! Because of His sacrifice, I do not have to perish! Praise the Lord!

But then sometimes I read this and I become sad. I am sad that some people do not believe this applies to them. They only seem to understand that they are condemned and can't get past it. Like those old abandoned buildings that are too dangerous, we just write it off and forget about them. Some people feel like God labeled them condemned and they are no longer worthy of His love and mercy.

So untrue!

But even as Christians, we sometimes see people heading down this path of unbelief and we feel unable to help them. How do you change someone's mind? We first need to pray. Hard. Pray for God to bring that restoration they need. Pray that God can open their eyes so they can see His love for them. Pray that they can see their need for Him but also see that their needs are met in Him.

It's like they stop at the end of these verses and just give up. They don't "feel" like they are no longer condemned so maybe they think "Either I don't believe like I'm supposed to or it isn't real." I know so many people that feel stuck in this place. They want to believe it's real because they need God. But they can't get past feeling useless and too broken to let God in to heal.

Many times it is because they don't understand the verses that follow:

"And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. But he that does truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God."

~John 3:19-21

I remember those days. I wanted to badly to be closer to God but still clung to the world. I said I wanted to walk in the light but really just wanted to hide in the darkness. I could hide my "evil deeds" better in the dark and hoped that others couldn't see them either. Then I wouldn't have to give them up, right?

But when I finally let the Light shine in... oh, what a wonderful day that was! I never knew that giving up what was so dear to me in this world could be so freeing! To feel so whole and liberated... I only wish that everyone could feel this too!

These passages are not negative. They are encouraging! Leave the things that are holding you back and give yourself up to the Light and be free! Leave behind the condemnation and welcome the gift of the Son who has come so you don't have to perish. Let that Light shine in your life to cleanse you from the evil deeds that bring you down and leave you empty. Walk in HIS truth and be filled every day!

The Good Stuff...

2009-01-02T08:52:00.006-06:00

Moving into John Chapter 2... I feel like I'm going slowly through this but there is something I want to post about every little step so if it seems I'm dragging through, I am. haha!

The first part of the chapter tells us about the first miracle Jesus performed - turning water into wine. As soon as He turned it to wine, He told the servants to serve it to the governor of the feast - the main head honcho VIP guy. This guy noticed that the wine was better than the wine previously served at this venue.

I believe it was typical to serve the "good" wine while everyone was so interested in it. Then after everyone had too much to drink and didn't care what it tasted like, they'd save some $$ and serve some lesser quality wine to keep thirsty mouths satisfied.

I love how Jesus didn't scrimp on quality. He made the wine not as good as the first wine, but much better! He's so good to us like this, isn't He? When we need something, He doesn't try to shut us up with just anything, He wants to give us something better - the good stuff.

What a wonderfully sweet Saviour we have, don't you think? I think we should honor Him by giving our best back to Him. He doesn't scrimp on what He gives us, we shouldn't scrimp on what we give Him. Praise Him today for the better blessings He gives and give more of your life to him. Enjoy the richness of giving the good stuff!

Do You Know This Man?

2009-01-01T10:37:00.004-06:00

While still in John Chapter 1, I'm reading about Nathanael meeting Jesus for the first time. Jesus knows who he is and that kind of freaked Nathanael out a bit. He asks Jesus how He knows him and gets this reply:

"Before that Philip called thee, when thou wast under the fig tree, I saw thee." (v.48)

This tripped Nathanael out even more, you can tell in his reply:

"Rabbi, thou art the Son of God; thou art the King of Israel." (v. 49)

To which Jesus replies:

"Because I said unto thee, I saw thee under the fig tree, believest thou? thou shalt see greater things than these" (v.50)

I wonder if Jesus was amused by this conversation and gave his replies with a little mischevious grin. You think that was good, you just wait!

This story reminds me of so many people I know that really don't know Jesus. They think He's a good guy who walked around teaching us how to be nice to each other. But He is so much more. It also reminds me of the people who are searching and grasping at anything to make sense of this crazy mixed-up world we live in. Those who will believe almost anything in hopes that it will help them - believe almost anything but the truth.

For all this Nathanael knew, Jesus could have just been some kind of psychic. Or just a very observant person who happened to see some guy near a tree and overheard his name. But Nathanael jumped at the notion that this meant Jesus was the promised Messiah. Lucky for him, He was! But how many people jump at the slightest notions such as this? They are looking for omens, signs and wonders. You know, stuff like "Well, my favorite color is red and he was wearing a red shirt the day we first met so it MUST be fate that we get married!!!" Puh-lease. As silly as that sounds, I've heard some far worse than that - seriously!

It is especially important in this day and time that we guard ourselves from falling for anything. The old saying "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything" is so true! If you don't know Jesus, how will you know if it's not Him? If you are not in tune with His voice, you will follow the first voice that comes along and sounds halfway reasonable. Be afraid! The devil knows Jesus and the Bible like the back of his hand and will twist and turn things around so you will believe him hook, line and sinker but you will actually be following him straight to hell! Now, who wants to go there?

Let's make this the year that we do things right. We seek and search out the One True Living God and study His Word and spend lots of time getting to know Him so well that we can differentiate between His voice and the voices of those desiring to lead us astray. Time is wasting away and the end is quickly approaching... are you ready?

Grace for Grace...

2008-12-31T09:11:00.003-06:00

Sorry I haven't been around in a while, I've been wraping up work and am now enjoying this Christmas Break with the family and haven't been online much at all. That leaves lots of time to reflect and soak up the beauty of God's blessings and meditate on Him working in our lives. But I'll try to get back into the groove of doing both here. :)

Do you ever feel like Grace doesn't apply to you? I often recall how His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9) but maybe in those dark times I'm thinking that it may be enough, but I'm not enough to receive it.

Or maybe it's just the devil talking. Yeah, that's it. I hate it when he twists everything around, don't you?

Anyway, I was reading this morning in John, Chapter 1:16 about John the baptist preparing the way for Jesus, our Saviour...

"And of his fulness have all we received, and grace for grace."

Grace for grace. Not only does He bring us grace, He gives us grace for the grace. Grace to accept the grace, grace to receive the grace, grace to live in the grace. His grace is sufficient and His grace is graciously given to us.

Grace is not like the law of Moses's time. Back then, righteousness was demanded and rewarded. But humans are a sinful creature and we needed more than that so here enters our need for a Saviour. We need Jesus!

Grace is Christ's purpose, it is God giving us righteousness because our own is not good enough.

Now I'm not saying that you just live like you want and get all the benefits. When we sin, we separate ourselves from God. We can ask for forgiveness and be forgiven but if we continue to walk in sin, we are still separated from God. God can extend His righteousness to us but if we do not accept it and apply it to our lives, we are no better off than if He had not offered it.

But I am thankful that His grace is here for me and you. Yes, you too! I cannot do anything on my own. Believe me, I've tried many times and failed miserably! I'm so thankful for His righteousness. He blesses me so much each moment, I cannot even fathom it all. Praise the Lord the Christ is come to be the Saviour of the World! All we have to do is accept it.

Do you need a Saviour? I know that you do. Do you have one? I know the perfect one for you!

"That if thou shalt confess with thy nouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thinge heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved."

~Romans 10:9

Thankful...

2008-11-27T22:27:00.002-06:00

Not just because it's Thanksgiving. I'm just thankful. As irritated as I can get about stuff that happens around here, I'm so thankful that I have a wonderful little family. I can't fully grasp how people can be so into themselves that they disregard others for their own desires. I mean, I understand why they would want to do this but the bottom line is still the same. I have my moments of selfishness far too often, believe me. But when I see it in others, it reminds me of my blessings and that I need to make sure I don't go down that negative, destructive path. I'm so thankful for a loving God that truly loves me. Truly loves ME. Truly. I can give up what *I* want and know that all is still well. Life still goes on and the world still spins. When I give up what *I* want, I can then see what others need and see that it is so not about me. It sadens me because I see hurting in others and needs of others... things I can't fix. But I'm thankful that I can see where I need to be and know that it's the best place to be. I want to love my husband and kids without condition, period. My love for them is not based on the love I feel from them. I know they love me even if I don't always see it or feel it or hear it... I just know. I'm so thankful that I know this about God to. He loves me. I just know He does and that's all there is to it. That is all I need. And I'm so thankful.

2008-11-13T22:17:00.003-06:00

Lord, today I am feeling overwhelmed and inadequate as a mother. I watch my son struggle with "simple" things... things he should be able to handle. I see him respond in fear to certain situations and it breaks my heart. How can I help him? What am I doing wrong? How can I know how to help him through these difficult times for him? I don't want to enable him to the point of hindering him but I also don't want to push him farther than he can go. Where is the medium and how do I do this? I need strength and patience... wisdom and knowledge... compassion and mercy... confidence and authority... encouragement and motivation... whatever my son needs from me, I need from you. Thank You, Lord, for Your promise to never leave me or forsake me. I need You here with me today.

What's Mine is Yours and What's Yours is Mine...

2008-11-11T15:16:00.003-06:00

Oh how there are so many times I want to find some time alone to blog another entry here. But life gets in the way, you know? Some days it makes me a bit frustrated and grouchy that I can't seem to get things done the way *I* need them to be done. I feel like I'm constantly running around trying to fit into everyone else's schedule.

One night I finally got the baby to sleep in his bassinet next to our bed. Jeremiah was still up playing in their room and I thought this would be easier than to keep J1 quiet while J2 tried to sleep in the same room. I spent the next couple hours in the office working on some things that didn't get done during the day. John got Jeremiah to bed (in our bed - so why do they have their own room???) and when it was finally my turn to rest, I pushed over a lanky four year old to make some room for a tired mommy. I nestled in on the edge of the bed, making a vain attempt to pull enough of the blanket to cover me and then sighed in exhaustion.

Joshua wiggled and rustled in his bassinet which makes an interesting rubbing noise. John commenced to snoring. Jeremiah decided to lay sideways and dug his feet into my side and somehow flop his arm across my head at the same time. So here I was buried in arms, legs, snoring and rustling. My first thought was "how am I going to get some sleep?"

But as I lay there surrounded by this representation of chaos in my life I felt good. I was happy. I was surrounded by my family that I love so dearly. My family that is such a huge gift from God.

My family.

The very people that drive me insane on a daily basis yet the very people I would die for and die without. I love 'em. =)

It reminds me that this life is not my own. My schedule and to do list are just that - mine. Not His. I need to give myself up and over to Him daily. Hourly. Every moment of every second. I need to be completely His. And He needs to be completely mine.

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

~1 Peter 5:7

I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.

~Song Of Solomon 6:3

Lord, help me to stay focused on YOU each day. Let me wait and listen quietly for your voice and direction. Sometimes I get so busy that my prayers get only so far as to tell you what I want and not long enough to hear what You want. I want to be a better Christian, wife and mother. What do You want from me today, Lord?

Laminin

2008-10-23T09:17:00.003-05:00

This is amazing and awe-inspiring! I love it when God hides these little (microscopic) treasures for us to find and be encouraged! Praise the Lord that we truly are fearfully and wonderfully made!

It's a bit long but SOOOOO good! You'll be glad you took the time to watch it!

Thank You, Lord, for laminin!

This clip is from this DVD:

Click Here for more info on this DVD

Monkey See, Monkey Do...

2008-10-22T09:43:00.007-05:00

Jeremiah is 4 but seems to just be hitting his 'terrible twos'. We tried to think we were lucky he wasn't too bad at two and three but deep inside we knew it was probably on delay...

It doesn't help that he's been a bit spoiled, especially with the new baby here. Everyone assumed he'd feel left out and fight for attention so they started the spoiling when I was still pregnant - before Joshua was even named! But Jeremiah's personality is different than your typical kid. He knows who he is and how wonderful he is. He doesn't feel the need to compete for anything, let alone attention. He never had to, he always got his way. I blame Daddy and Grandma for this! haha!

So here we are at age four and Jeremiah loves to be CEO. He likes to have choices because he likes to be the one in charge of the choices. If there are no suitable choices, he'll suggest some. Actually, he'll demand some. And so begins the battle of the wills...

Last night he was so good about getting into bed and snuggling up for bedtime devotions but then didn't want to pray and go to sleep. He ended up throwing a huge fit that involved spankings and it was just so awful! It just kills me when he gets so defiant that we have to resort to this. Joshua didn't like it either and started crying so while Daddy took care of Jeremiah, I sat in the other room with Joshua listening to Jeremiah's defiance and Daddy's discipline. Ugh! In the midst of the screaming he begs for his "baba" (security blanket) and while Daddy leaves the room to get one, Jeremiah pipes up cheerily, "Oh! Here it is, Daddy! I found it!" Can you say, "Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde?" Ugh.

"Why Lord?!?!" I begged. "Why does it have to be like this? Why can't he behave and not get so incredibly out of sorts over something so unimportant? What do we need to do?"

I sat there praying and asking God about Jeremiah's defiance and I heard him say to me, "What about your defiance?"

Woa. Screeching halt.

I have been so busy lately with life and I've been run down physically and emotionally that I've let a few things slide here and there. My Bible isn't getting picked up as much, my prayer time has been dwindling... Two things that are most important to my own health and well-being and so important to my relationship with God and I let them sit on the shelf when my world got crazy. I run to God during these times for comfort but I have been lacking filling myself with the meat of His word to sustain me through it to the end.

Not only am I supposed to be an example to my children of how to walk in God's ways, I am a Christian and need to walk in His ways for my own good. How can I expect my children to do the right thing when I'm not? How can I demand obedience as their authority when I'm not obeying my authority?

Lord, please forgive me for not walking faithfully right now. Redirect my paths and draw me closer to you again, even in the midst of the craziness. Help me to find the time, to take the time, to make the time to spend with You. Thank You for giving me Your hand to hold during these difficult days. Remind me often to use my other hand to feed on the Bread of Life You've provided me in Your word. And to lift my eyes to not only see You, but to pray to You in thankfulness and humility.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence, and take not they holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then I will teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

~Psalm 51:10-13

Give Me Jesus

2008-09-19T08:55:00.001-05:00

This song has been ringing in my ears since I posted yesterday so I thought I'd share it today with you. The song is by Fernando Ortega and it's a beautiful album. I know Jeremy Camp also did a version of this song.

Give Me Jesus

Whine much?

2008-09-18T07:51:00.002-05:00

I have a whiner, do you? My four year old likes to be bossy and when things don't go just the way he wants, we get whining. Too much whining. We are still working on this and he's getting better but we still get it from time to time. Fun.

One night I was in the kitchen while he and Daddy played in the living room. I don't know what they were doing but Jeremiah must have been enjoying it. Also, he doesn't like things to change suddenly. So when Daddy said, "Let's go get a cookie and go outside to play!" (two favorites of Jeremiah), he began to whine and throw a fit.

This little guy didn't hear anything past the "Let's Go".

Daddy had a time getting J to calm down enough to understand that what was ahead was better than what they were doing but Jeremiah just didn't want to change what he was doing!

Oh, did this ring true with me. Sometimes I don't want change. Sometimes I get used to things and start enjoying them. They might not be very fun but I can turn them into something enjoyable and then I'm hooked and want to stay.

But sometimes... sometimes God has better plans for me. Bigger and more enjoyable than anything I could have imagined. But I'm too busy throwing a fit and whining about not getting my way that I almost miss it. And sometimes I do miss it.

"Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me."

Matthew 16:24

I think far too often we are fearful of what God is calling us to do next. We are afraid it will involve sacrifice of what we are currently enjoying. And the thought of denying ourselves? Oh my! We can't have that! What will become of my life and all the things I want in it? And to take up His cross? That just sounds too burdensome. Look at the disciples, they didn't have all that I have. No, I can't give up my life...

But really, what blessings did the disciples have that we do not? The simple yet unmatched joy of walking with Jesus. Following Him each day was an amazing blessing! Can you imagine? Maybe not, because we are too busy enjoying the things of this world?

Since when is eternity with Jesus not a big enough deal to give up a few measly things here on Earth? Ouch.

What blessings are you missing today? Turn your ear to hear His leading and follow where He guides, it is for sure better than what you have right now! Plus, the eternal rewards are to die for!

My Life Is In Your Hands...

2008-09-17T07:24:00.003-05:00

We recently celebrated our 10 year aniversary and part of the celebration was a slide show of images from our lives over the time we've been together. We chose music that was in our wedding and also a few others we liked. We didn't get to see much of it during the reception so we decided to watch it later that evening with some friends that were in from out of town. Of course I got all emotional at some of the images and the songs as we reminisced but then one thing struck me entirely differently...

Kathy Troccoli was a huge favorite of John's when we met. He wanted a bunch of her songs in our wedding (but in the end none of them made it! lol). We did put a particular one of hers in the slideshow because it was supposed to be in the wedding. When the song played on the DVD, I barely noticed it as I watched the images flash by until she came to the chorus once again.

"My life is in Your hands, my heart is in Your keeping..."

This was the image that was up at that moment:

It's a picture of me holding Joshua just moments after he was born. I know the song is about putting your own life in God's hands but God spoke to me a different way throught this song this time.

My life is in your hands...

As I sat there staring at the image of my littlest guy all snuggled in my arms, I understood that His life was in my hands. Joshua is not mine, he belongs to God. He created Joshua and breathed life into him. Although this is something I've always known, it hit me with greater intensity how big my God is and how important my job as a mother is.

"Train up a child in the way he should go:

and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

In the Hebrew translation, "train up" means to "initiate or discipline, to dedicate" and "the way" translates "course of life or mode of action: conversation, custom, journey..."

It's a huge job to be a parent. And I don't know that we'll ever fully understand all that there is to be done with the little lives with which we are entrusted. We need to show/teach/discipline them in every area, every step of their lives and prepare them to take the right path and make right decisions on their own journeys of faith. We are responsible for showing them God and all His greatness including His amazing mercy and love. We are responsible for them having the knowledge of who God is and present them unending opportunities to choose Him to rule their lives.

Sometimes I feel a bit fearful about it all. It can be so overwhelming to realize how big of a job this really is. What if I fail? I already feel like I fail with my own walk, how can I be responsible for shaping another's?

I don't.

God is so good, isn't He? I am so thankful that He provides us with His word and His Spirit to guide our every move. When faced with situations as a parent where the decisions I make can have a lasting spiritual effect on my child, He is right there ready to give me the answers and help us along.

Thank You, Lord, for always being here with me. You are as close as a whisper and mightier than the strongest winds. Thank You for blessing me with these two beautiful creations of Yours but more importantly, thank You for blessing me with all I need to train them up properly - You. I trust that You will give me direction and grace as often as I need it and You will be right here to hold my hand when things get tough. I know You love my children more than I and I take comfort in knowing You love me too. Thank You for never letting me down.

Every Breath You Take...

2008-09-04T22:30:00.002-05:00

Raise your hand, who is now singing the Police song? lol

Other than cats, I have never had allergy problems until I moved to Kentucky. We didn't have a cat so the sneezing episodes were so few and far between to remember how awful they can be. If you have any allergy problems, you know how terrible they can be!

So here I am, living in KY and my town happens to be on of the worst for allergies with all the mold and ragweed so special to us. And to top it all off, we have a cat. Score. We have to keep the cat, she won't die. Just kidding. It was John's before we met and we love her so she stays. Or shall I say we are allowed to stay (if you ask her!).

Okay, I'm really not talking about cats here. John grew up here and has escaped the "joys" of allergy problems but the boys and I are another story. It got Jeremiah first. He sniffed and sneezed for a couple days before it hit Joshua. Then another day went by before it got me too. Now all three of us are making some pretty sniffling sounds. We should start a band...

I hate it when the boys get it, I feel so bad for them! It's no fun at all! Jeremiah at least understands as much as a 4 year old can but Joshua in his 2 month old self is still a bit clueless. It doesn't seem to bother him too much but he prefers to breathe through his nose and it's just not working for him right now!

He's been sleeping so good in his crib in Jeremiah's room but I decided he needed to return to the bassinet in our room so I can make sure he's still breathing through the night. He kept waking up frustrated at this problem and I wanted to keep an eye on him when he finally did conk out from exhaustion. As I lay there next to him, I heard him trying to breathe through the gunk and I said a prayer I've repeated so many times already that day,

"Lord, please help him breathe tonight so he can get the rest he needs."

Then I'd notice that his breathing became quite. I reach over and touch him gently on the back and find that yes, he is still breathing. Only now soft and steady.

"Thank You, Lord, for answering my prayer."

I'm so thankful that God watches over every breath we take (and every move we make, lol). It is so comforting to know that He created the breath in me and He is also keeping it steady. I am reminded to be thankful for every breath I take, He gave me life and life more abundantly and I will be eternally grateful!

"Lord, thank You for giving me breath so I can praise You."

"The Spirit of God hath made me,

and the breath of the Almighty hath given me life"

~Job 33:4

"Let every thing that hath breath praise the LORD.

Praise ye the LORD."

~Psa 150:6

I Hope You'll Be Here In Ten Years...

2008-09-03T07:49:00.003-05:00

{Sorry this blog gets so neglected. It's just hard to find a block of time to sit and type out my thoughts. Usually my meditative thoughts are on the run (in the shower, washing dishes, folding laundry...). I can blog here and there on my photo blog because I can post a few pics, feed the baby, post another pic, make a PB sandwich, type a few words, change a diaper, type a few more words, make a quick run to the store, finish up the blog post. It can take all day to make the one post and it doesn't really matter. But here I like to finish a complete thought. At least attempt it!}

This weekend we are celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary! YAY! As I think about the 10 years that have gone by, the first thought that comes to my head is "Man, I'm getting old." lol

We've been through a lot these 10 years. It takes ten years to contain it all! We were listing all the things we've gone through together - good and bad (and ugly!) - and it was fun to see where we've grown, failed, laughed and cried. Thinking about the things that have made us regret, things that have made us question and things that have made us stronger. I think one of the main things that has kept us together when the storms blew our way was just knowing that we serve a living God.

That WE serve a living God.

I know Satan has thrown trials and temptations our way in attempts to ruin our marriage but it is always so comforting to know that I can trust God is in control and will help me and to know that John is also relying on the same God for the same reasons.

John's passion for Christ is what really drew me to him. We would talk for hours into the night about God and how we could serve Him better in our lives. Just the thought that a man can love God with so much ferver brings so much stability to our relationship. There is a hope that comes from this. When things get ugly around here (when we allow the devil to get a foothold), we have this hope that no matter what, the other will still be here and we will fight for our marriage.

It's the same with God, isn't it? We have this hope that no matter how bad things get here on earth, He will still be there. Right there with us, fighting for our relationship. And you know what? He always wins. =)

"Therefore did my heart rejoice, and my tonguewas glad;

moreover also my flesh shall rest in hope:"

~Act 2:26

Me, Me, Me...

2008-08-29T23:03:00.003-05:00

Satan isn't dumb. He's a liar, but he's not dumb. He knows the Bible inside and out, front to back, every line, every letter. He knows every word and just how to twist them to trip us up, doesn't he? Oooh, it makes me so mad!

It saddens me that the easiest trap to fall into is the one of our own selfishness. He gets us so good there. He tempts us with things that he knows we want and we fall for it. We want so much to have this *one* thing that we feel we can't live without in that moment and we snatch it up as soon as he dangles it in our face.

Sin is nice...

For a moment. Some moments last longer than others but they all eventually fade away. But the consequence of that sin remains. It doesn't just fade away with the guilty pleasures. It sits and rots away at your very being, deep into your soul.

I see so often others making choices that don't seem to make sense. What they need to give to one area of their life is not enough so they steal it and give it away to another. What is the sense in that? Why do they do this?

Why do I do this?

We all do this. In our own selfishness, we rob from one to give to another and ultimately we are robbing God and giving to Satan. It may be your time, your finances, your affections... so many things we take and give away. What a sad world we live in that we allow ourselves to be encouraged to do this over and over until we destroy ourselves and those around us, only to be left empty handed and alone but still blaming others.

It really hurts my heart and saddens the depths of my soul to see this. I'm not being judgemental, I'm being loving. I don't want to see others travel down this path I've travelled myself way too many times. I don't want to see us all fall into the trappings of this world and end up far from home - our Heavenly home.

"Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season;"

~Hebrews 11:25

Here the writer is talking about Moses leaving the house of Pharaoh's daughter to suffer with the children of God. I'm sure he was spoiled living in the kingdom but he chose something far greater.

He chose to do the right thing.

I often wonder about the people in the Old Testament. Most could not read or hear God's word. They didn't have the option of the Holy Spirit living in them to help guide them. They did the right thing because it was the right thing to do. (Well, the ones that wanted to follow God!) They didn't sit around hoping blessings would fall in their lap before they decided to follow Him, they followed Him so they could reap the blessings.

How selfish are we?

We are so spoiled with worldly 'blessings' of instant everything and feel good stuff so easily accessible that we get flipped upside down if we have to work for anything or we have to earn something or if we have to *gasp!* do something someone else's way.

Look inside your heart today as I look into mine. What are you giving away to the wrong person? What are you holding onto when you should be holding onto something more important and lasting? What do we need to give up in our lives today?

Father, it is so hard to keep focused on You in this busy, distracting world. Help us to put off these distractions and hide away in our prayer closets to spend more time with You, reading Your Word and hearing from You. Give us the strength to turn away from these things that trip us up. Reveal to us where we are selfish and show us how to be selfless instead.

Blog Award

2008-08-25T21:45:00.001-05:00

What an honor! This award was given to me by Jennifer of Babyations. You can check out her blog to see all her awesome hair bows. They are totally cute they almost make me want a girl! Almost. lol Thanks Jennifer! How sweet of you! {{{hugs}}}

Now to pass it along... I was tying to decide if I should post it in my photo blog since it's kind of a biz blog for my photography as well as my family blog but she referenced this blog so I decided to post it here.

Apparently it is an award to biz blogs that I adore so I will try to stay on track and showcase some businesses that I love that also blog. Here are my chosen 7:

Jessica Bell Photography - What so say about this gal? She is so sweet! Always so generous with her knowledge and really just everything and anything she has! She's always giving away her cool templates and photography/photoshop tips. Her photography work is amazing and to top it off, she has some awfully good looking kiddoes!

Heather Bauers Photography - Again, another kind soul who is also very generous with giving tips and other cool stuff. This girl is uber talented! Seriously, she has the Midas touch for all things crafty! If she decides to try it, she will excell at it! If you scroll back in my photo blog to the beginning of July (Clicky Here!), you'll see a beautiful wrap she made and sent for my son. Her boys are crazy adorable... I tell ya, this girls has some mad skills for just about everything she tries!

Leah of LCH Designs - This girl rocks my world with her amazing templates and actions. All things beautiful!!! Warning: if you check out her stuff, you will be hooked! It's gorgeous! She's a fellow PW (Pastor's wife!) and inspires me everytime I talk to her or read her blog. Plus she's got a cute little girl that takes your breath away!

Jordan Krogman Photography - This chick is inspiring! She's so young and enthusiastic, I wish I had her energy! Two little girls in tow and a baby boy on the way, she managed to finish nursing school, start an awesome little photography business, give birth to that cute little guy and still keep her house clean and fix a nutricious dinner! Amazing. Her style is so fresh and fun, I can't help but visit her blog regularly!

Amanda Andrews Photography - Her style is gorgeous and so are her kiddoes. She was one of the first to inspire me when I started playing around with photography. Plus, she was a big help in my learning process (THANKS!). Go check her out to see how sweet and fun she is!

Amy Coffee Photography - When I first learned about Amy, I was WOWed. Her images were absolutely stunning! Perfect color and sharpness... I was always in awe when checking out her blog. She was so kind to answer the many many questions I had when I started and always so helpful and honest. She's an another amazing and inspiring photographer and mommy!

Amy S - Okay so I don't think she has her own business but she is so crafty she makes cute babies! To prove it, she has created 11 gorgeous kiddoes already! She is an inspiration as a mother, a friend, and a godly woman. I am always blessed when visiting her site and she encourages me to be better at everything I'm called to do. I just love her!

I wish I didn't have to chose just 7 but I am also running out of time to keep blogging! Check them out and I'm sure you'll find a new blog or two (or 8!) to stalk!

God bless each of them and each of you reading this!

Who Do You Love?

2008-08-25T08:47:00.006-05:00

Okay, I'll admit it. I was a really stupid girl. I was immature and goofy in high school and that didn't get too much better in college, I just added stupid.

At the time, all my ideas were good ones, right? lol I have way too many "Doh! Why did I do that?!?!?!" moments to count. I was so impulsive, so stressed... so stupid. Not so much ignorant, just stupid.

(You know, if you type that word enough times it starts to look like you spelled it wrong, then you feel even more stupid. Just so you know.)

I was unwillingly recalling some of my stupid moments, cringing at the mere thought of them and asked myself "Why in the world did I ever think that was a good idea?" I summed it up to my people pleasing personality (which fortunately I'm getting over, unfortunately it's sometimes replaced with an unpleasing personality - ouch.) combined with my enthusiasm (wasn't that supposed to be a good thing?).

I wanted to please others. Especially the ones I loved. Or at least thought I loved. Or maybe I did love them at the time but it wasn't a good idea to love them. You know how it is. You don't have to raise your hand but I know you know what I mean!

I made a lot of stupid decisions based on what these other "loved" people wanted me to do or what I thought they wanted me to do (that is always worse, isn't it?).

Now I sit there thinking about why I listen and follow those that I "love". I guess it's just the way it is. I mean, we wouldn't love them if we didn't believe in them to a certain degree. We don't usually fall for people who have nothing to offer us (well, some do but they really feel like they are offering something so it still applies!).

So now I'm Grrr-ing inside at my past poor decision-making skills and I am reminded of this verse:

"If you love me, keep my commandments."

~John 14:15

Gee, how much more obvious can one get? Then you couple it with this next one and it hits home even more:

"If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple."

~Luke 14:26

"Hate" here doesn't mean it like we think when we hear the word hate. Here it means to love less, meaning we should love all of these things less than we love God.

It's really easy to get caught up in the lives of those you love, especially when they are good Christian people. But sometimes they make bad choices too. The key is to be close enough to God to hear His voice above all others so we can make the right choice regardless.

Who do you love today? Who do you love less? Who do you love the most? Let's keep our perspective so we can listen to the One we love the most when we have decisions to make - big or little.

I Want To Be An Olympian!

2008-08-23T08:17:00.002-05:00

I love to watch the Olympics! I'm a dork and half the time forget they are on (I'm not a big TV watcher these mommy days!), but I love how each athlete is so proud to represent their country, the excitement of each event and especially all the cool stories that you hear like how one's parent did the same event 20 years ago and things like that. Fun!

So I'm reading in Hebrews Chapter 12, verses 1-2:

"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Me, I'm a TERRIBLE runner. I don't like to run. I feel like all my insides are bouncing around and my chubby cheeks are flapping in the wind... Yeah, not my fave thing to do. On top of that, I'm not very good at it. My legs are like 1,000 pound sacks of Jello and I feel (and look) really awkward whenever I try it. Actually, I'm sure I'm not good at it because I don't do it very often. I just make sure to keep my kids close enough to grab so I don't have to chase them. lol

I was thinking about how so often life is compared to a race. What's wrong with a slow leisurely journey that involves walking? Why can't we enjoy the view, stop to smell the flowers (or take a nap!) and just relax our way to eternity? That sounds nice, doesn't it? God wants nice things for us, right? lol Life is hard sometimes. There is so much against us, it makes it difficult enough to walk let alone run.

But God tells us to run.

Did I also mention that I'm terribly out of shape? Hence the "can't run" thing. When I was in High School, I was a cheerleader and on the swim team. If I needed to run, I had no problem running! But I was also in decent shape to be able to accomplish such amazing feats (amazing from my 32 year old out of shape body's perspective!).

I'm sure that if I decided to like running (or at least decide to do it regardless), I could slowly work myself up to be able to run well, run fast, and run far. Then I'd be in better shape and could do more! But that sounds like work and remember I don't like to run.

{I always think it's cool how something that applied thousands of years ago, still applies so amazingly well today. Don't you?}

I watch the runners in the Olympics and think about all the training they do. They push and push and boy do they run fast! They amaze me! But they have also worked really hard to get where they are and are then able to enjoy the rewards and honor of their accomplishments.

We need to train and work out for our race. We need to race every day. We are in a race for our lives! We need to lay aside the things that hinders us. Just like the flab that surrounds my midsection and the dislike for how running feels when I'm not in shape... we need to get over it and run.

I know that when I am in shape I don't have these hang ups about running. The same with my Christian walk, I need to get over the obstacles that are hindering me. Once I get past those, I will be able to run stronger and it will not seem so much like work. But then I need to push harder and get stronger because there will always be someone around to try to trip me up. The more I run, the better shape I am in and the stronger I get.

See how well that works?

It does work. So pace yourself, run with patience for yourself and others, focus on Jesus and all He's done for you and all He's promised... run.

Leaping in Praise!

2008-08-22T09:27:00.003-05:00

"Most Christians are like a man who was toiling along the road, bending under a heavy burden, when a wagon overtook him and the driver kindly offered to help him on his journy. He joyfully accepted the offer but when seated in the wagon, continued to bend beneath his burden, which he still kept on his shoulders. 'Why do you not lay down your burden?' asked the kind-hearted driver. 'Oh!' replied the man, 'I feel that it is almost too much to ask you to carry me, and I could not think of letting you carry my burden too.' And so Chrisitans, who have given themselves into the care and keeping of the Lord Jesus still continue to bend beneath the weight of their burdens, and often go weary and heavy-laden throughout the whole length of their journey."

~Hannah Whitall Smith

I read Romans Chapter 6 today and was reminded of how true this is. Why do we carry around our burdens? When looked at from this perspective, it seems so silly and even ignorant! So why can't we apply it to life and realize that when we carry our burdens instead of laying them down we are just as silly and ignorant?

Jesus died to set us FREE. Free from sin and these awful, cumbersome burdens that weigh us down. Release your heavy load and walk in the freedom of the truth! Kind of like sheep that finally get all the heavy wool shaved from their bodies, they leap around because they are so used to walking with a heavier load. But now they don't have to push so hard to move with the heaviness lifted!

Take off your heavy load and leap around in Praise for your Savior who died to set you free!

Hold Me

2008-08-08T13:33:00.003-05:00

6 week old Joshua is going through the Hold-me-all-day-long phase. You know, the one where you finally get them to sleep and put them down only to have them wake up and start screaming to be held again? Yeah, that one.

It can be very exhausting when you see the laundry and dishes piling up, your 4 year old needs your help with something (everything it seems)... You may learn how to do just about everything one handed while balancing a wiggly 10 pounder in the other hand but it is still a bit frustrating at times.

I've been pretty frustrated about it lately. It's probably the lack of sleep and the overwhelming demands coming from my family and everyone/everything else that pulls at my time and energy.

But when I stop and look down at this little guy screaming for my attention I have to remember that these days will pass. When he's big enough to run from me to something more exciting and fun, I will miss all the cuddle time we shared. I should be soaking up and hording all the cuddle time I can while I have it!

I am also reminded that we need to come to God like the little ones. Joshua is happiest when I'm holding him close to me, talking to him and tending to his every need.

Why am I not that way towards God?

I should be so hungry to spend every moment with Him. To hear His voice and be held in His arms... I should be longing for those moments and not care about anything else. The rest will happen as it should according to His perfect plan. So why do I worry?

The laundry and dishes eventually get done. The 4 year old gets enough attention to fuel him up again and life still goes on even when things done get done the way I want or in the timeframe I desire. It just gets done. So why do I worry?

Lord, I just want to spend lots of quality time with you - as much as possible! Thank you for not getting frustrated about my desire for more of your attention. Thank you for loving me enough to always make time for me.

Hold Me Jesus - Rich Mullins

Are You The Blessed Man?

2008-08-07T10:19:00.003-05:00

There is a game we play with our youth group from time to time when we talk about peer pressure and hanging out with the right crowd. You have one person stand on a chair (preferably a larger person from the group) and then you get a smaller/weaker person to pull them off the chair while the larger one tries to get them up onto the chair with them. Eventually, the big teen will get pulled off the chair before they get the little one up there with them. Do you know this game?

The point is always clear: it is easier to bring someone down than to bring them up. We then talk about how no matter how strong you are in your walk with God and how strongly you cling to your good morals, it is too easy to get pulled down by others. And the flip side, no matter how strong you are, it is difficult to pull others up.

This goes way beyond teen years, doesn't it? I find myself struggling more with things when I'm spending more time with people who are not living for God. And not just not living for Him, but deliberately disobeying and trying to pull me down with them. When I realize I'm getting pulled down, I get so frustrated at myself for not remembering to avoid this!

It is so important to surround yourself with good things and good people. People who will lift you up and encourage you to be better. It is also important that you want to be lifted up and encouraged to be better. If not, you are doing your part to bring others down.

Blessed is the man that walked not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

~Psalm 1:1-2

Be the one who lifts up your neighbor with encouragement. Be the friend who is a blessing and a help, not the one who tries to pull others down to where you are. Focus your thoughts and efforts on becoming closer to God and stronger in your walk so you can be called "blessed."

Are You A Thumb Sucker?

2008-08-04T07:28:00.003-05:00

My newest little guy is a breastfed baby, as was my oldest. I love that I am able to provide him with all the nutrients he needs to grow healthy and strong and not have to worry about feeding him something artificial that I know nothing about. I know that it is the best for him (even the formula companies will tell you this!) and I know that this time we spend together will help him get to know me better by getting familiar with my smell, my voice and my touch... more so than just our regular cuddle time together.

Being a new little guy, he has this great need to suck on anything and everything that comes near his mouth. And a great need to suck on something most of the day. But sometimes Mommy needs a moment without an attachment and so we tried out the pacifier. My oldest son, Jeremiah, did not like a pacifier and that was okay with us - one less habit to break later! But it seemed Joshua thought it might be a good idea. He also found his thumb a few times and seemed to like that too.

He would suck a few minutes then drift off to sleep. At just a few weeks old, he sleeps alot anyway! But as he got a little older (5 weeks - haha!), the pacifier seemed to become an enemy at times...

He would happily and excitedly accept the pacifier after eating all Mommy had to offer and he'd suck away rhythmically. But since he is sleeping a little less, it is not putting him to sleep every time anymore. No, now after a few minutes I find him sucking more and more vigorously and aggressively. He almost looks like he is fighting with the beloved paci! His frustration builds and he eventually spits it out and cries out in rage. I try it again and he goes through the scenario again. Over and over even though the outcome is the same - frustration and anger.

How is this pacifying?

I thought about how we do this with so many things in our lives. We try to fill our lives with things of the world that make us feel good but often they are just substitutes for the real thing. Watching Joshua struggle with the pacifier made me think about how often I don't notice when I allow something in my life to "pacify" me in place of God and I wind up unsatisfied. Sure, it works for a season and I think it's going to pay off so I keep working at it, remembering the "good" times when it did work and stupidly forgetting how it never satisfies.

Then I watch as Joshua tests out his thumb. He seems to like that much better! It's warm and handy... even if you spit it out, you don't need Mommy to find it and put it back in. But again, I'm finding him unsatisfied with this as well. Here we go again, trying to satisfy ourselves with things *we* can do for ourselves.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness:

for they shall be filled.

Matthew 5:6

Are we hungering after the right things? Or are we hoping the world will provide the nourishment we need? Or are we the thumb suckers, attempting to satisfy ourselves by our own hands? Do we think we have all we need without God? Or do we recognize our need for Him to fill us?

He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away.

Luke 1:53

My prayer for you is that you find what will truly satisfy you, down to the very depths of your heart and soul.

And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:19

How Rude!

2008-07-25T08:26:00.002-05:00

As a mom, you make many sacrifices. Some big, some little, some you don't even realize you are making. Maybe those little unknown ones aren't called sacrifices... maybe they are just what mom's do. Like breathing, right?

As a mom, I don't usually have time (or energy) to afford such luxuries like watching a complete movie from beginning to end - whether in one sitting or 5. I mean really, it's not even possible most days to watch a 30 minute rerun from start to finish! Not that I'm so incredibly busy that I can't find a half hour to sit still but it seems that way when you keep your focus on other things like housework and spending time with the kiddoes.

I was all propped up in the recliner nursing my new little man (check him out in my photo blog!) and my older son was playing quietly in his room. I clicked on the TV for some company and got caught up in the storyline of some Hallmark movie. You know, those heart wrenching movies that tear at your emotions? Yeah, one of those. So here I was all engrossed in this disfunctional relationship between a father and son that was finally coming to restoration and my mom decides she has something to say.

Now, this sounds terrible doesn't it? What a horrible daughter to get upset with her mother for wanting to share some information! But you see, she silently watched each commercial with awe and wonder before the movie came back on. And just as the father was revealing a pivital point that would explain half the movie (that I've only seen parts of before) and would bring closure for the two men she decides to comment (again) on how big the baby is getting. This seems to be her hourly topic of conversation.

"Yes, he's getting bigger every day..." I trail off and try to get the end of the son's reply in hopes to learn what the Father must have said. Again, she comments on how big he's getting each day and this time throws in how he sleeps so good.

"Yes, he sleeps all day and keeps me up at night..." again I trail off, never taking my eyes off the TV in hopes she gets the hint. Nope, she wasn't looking at me, she's watching the baby. So she never got my cue. And yet again, she comments on how big he's getting.

Haven't we been over this?!

Now I'm making frustrated faces as I try to listen to people in the next scene in vain attempt to figure out what in the world happened between the Father and Son. She continues with her observations of the ever-growing baby who is now wiggling, letting me know he's done eating and ready to be burped and changed. I get up, annoyed at missing a scene I was waiting for, and head to the nursery to tend to the little guy.

How rude!

Of me. Since when did my entertainment become so important that my relationships became less so? Yes, we have been having the same conversation 15 times each day and yes, it was getting old and mundane... but how often do I get to sit with her in person to have mundane, repetitive conversations? She lives 2000 miles away and I am robbing us both of the few precious moments we have together.

*Now, my hormones are all whacked out during this oh-so-fun postpartum period so I was easily aggitated by everything. This scenario could have included anyone within a 400 mile radius who decieded to talk to me at that moment. Just a disclaimer... my mom's not that annoying!*

I was thinking about this interaction at 4:30 this morning while nursing my little guy again. Not sure why events get revisted at such odd times of the day... ??? I suppose that God knows I am a captive audience. I am sitting quietly in the night, a half-sleeping infant in my lap and my own thoughts to keep me company. No TV distractions at this hour. No 4 year old distractions either.

So again, I'm revisiting this interaction and my thoughts open up to show me how this is like life. We so easily get caught up in things that seem important to us, even if just for a moment. I knew the scene would be over in a few minutes and felt I had some kind of right to be able to watch it in peace. And I neglected something far more important.

Sometimes I do this with God. I know I have a slot available later in the day to spend with Him. I try to plan that extra span of time to read and pray... later. But what am I doing when God has something to tell me right now? The very moment I'm working on my latest crafty creation or enjoying a moment of silence from the boys so I can catch up on a friend's blog or photography forum. What then? Do I stop and listen or get annoyed and tell Him to come back later when I'm ready for Him?

How rude.

Sometimes God wants to tell us things that are incredibly important and we should stop everything to hang on every breath. Other times He wants to tell us what we've already heard and feel we know by heart. Does that make a difference in how I should respond to His "interruption" in my day?

Whatever He has to say to me, He has a very good reason. Even if I am thinking "Yeah, I already know this!" maybe He's trying to tell me something new about it. Maybe I need to hear it again and again. Like how much He loves me. I can never hear that enough, no matter how much I know it.

Make sure to allow Him to interrupt your schedule today with His love and direction. Your life is not as important as spending time with Him in any possible way you can.

Gotta run, baby's crying... someone else trying to get my attention. =)

My Gift Horse

2008-07-24T08:32:00.003-05:00

Currently, this is the header for my photo blog:

And this old saying comes to mind every time I look at it:

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

You see, I feel like all my life I've been programmed and trained extensively to seek and find all the flaws and shortcomings in every area of my life. Not necessarily in the lives of others but always in my own. Too many negative & non-constructive critiques in successful attempts to shame me have made me a gold winner in this arena.

Go me, I found something I'm good at.

Unfortunately, I find this starting to leak over into the lives of those I love the most. But in the odd way things seem to go, it still is about my flaws. The "imperfections" in those around me are a reflection of my defaults, my mistakes, my deficiencies.

Jeremiah is so precious to me. When he was born, I felt like my world began spinning as it should. My eyes opened up to amazing things and my life flipped upside down and poured out more blessings than ever imaginable. He was so perfect to us! What a blessing in so many ways! Sure, he had some funny big feet that I adored (although I really don't like feet at all!) and he had some crazy hair with his double crown... but I fell in love with the way God created him and wouldn't have him any other way!

So where is all this going to come together? I'm not exactly sure. I'm just sharing some thoughts from the past few months. Actually, the past few years...

Jeremiah has always excelled at most everything. He learned to write his ABC's, 123's and spell his [huge] name just a couple months after turning two. He was always right on or a little ahead in gross and fine motor skills. He was the kid who could figure anything out and loved challenging puzzles. He learned all his shapes and colors early, seemed to remember everything and could see things so differently than any other kid/person I knew. He amazed us all over these four years of his life.

The one area, however, he was lacking in was communication. He didn't talk in what seemed like forever. His first word was "mama" but that didn't show up until he was 18 months. And although he added "dada" and "cat" to the mix, he kept silent for a long time. Well, he kept intelligible words to himself and filled our ears with his "Jeremiah-ese" - the cute baby jibberish he used to pretend he was talking to us.

He knew all kinds of things but never said them back to us. His verbal vocabulary slowly (very slowly) grew but we didn't have any words together or any kind of simple sentence until about 3 years old. Of course, the new mom in me was concerned.

Why wasn't my kid talking as well as the others his age?

I noticed that when people talked to him, they acted as if he was much younger. He was not the youngest in his Wee Church sunday school class but he was always spoken to and treated him as if he was the baby. This of course bothered me but I think it bothered me more because of why people tended to do this. I know they didn't do it purposefully, it was more of a response to the way he communicated and they were trying to meet him at his level.

His pediatrician comforted me by reminding me that it was something that usually worked itself out by the time they went to school. She assured me at his 3 year check-up that she was not concerned just yet and to just wait and see if he caught up in the next year.

But not much happened in the next year.

Sure, he learned new things and new words and made lots of sentences (mangled and tangled as little ones tend to do) but then I noticed he had trouble answering direct questions. When we sat and talked together, I could follow him because I was familiar with his train of thought. But it seemed everyone else was always at a loss when it came to understanding anything that came out of his mouth. He could not put together an answer when they asked his name or age. After much training and practicing he would occassionally answer me when asked but rarely others. I'm not sure if his mind is processing too fast for his mouth to keep up but I see him get so frustrated when trying to explain something or carry on a conversation.

At his 4 year check up the doctor decided that she was beginning to get a little more concerned. He only answered a few of her questions and those were things such as "what color is this?" He did not answer her other questions even though I know he knew the answers. He also had trouble following her simple directions such as jumping on one foot, even after we demonstrated for him (And yes, I've seen him do that often so I know he can). At home, he struggles with directions too. He knows the meaning of the words but when told to look "under the couch" or look "on top of the shelf", he just gets confused and ends up looking somewhere entirely different.

Okay, I'm rambling... I guess I have a lot on my mind!

Anyhoo... we have an appointment to have him tested to see if there is something we are not understanding or seeing that may unlock this side of him. It's a bit upsetting. I mean, you are handed this beautiful child and marvel as his perfection all this time. Then one day you are hit with a blow that you felt coming. You knew it might be there but then there is a possibility of confirmation that sends your world reeling into space. I keep wondering what I've been doing wrong, what I should/could be doing differently.

Where did I fail this time???

I took this picture not long after making the appointment for his test. And now each time I look at it I am reminded of this saying. Jeremiah is a good and perfect gift from above. He always has been and always will be. My trained fault finder sees what the world may consider an imperfection and I am the cause. But my Heavenly Father reminds me with each glance at the same picture that Jeremiah is a gift and I shouldn't look for the imperfections. J is created with a supernatural power and with a super special plan in mind for his life.

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me to not look this 'gift horse' in the mouth. You created him extra special and this is not an imperfection, but an amazing blessing that will manifest itself one day and bring glory to Your name. Praise the Lord!

Mom's Aren't Perfect

2008-05-09T14:39:00.004-05:00

Someone reminded me today about randomly picking up my Bible just to grab a quick snack some time during my day. I sat at my desk and glanced over at my Bible and picked it up and thought "hmmm... what sounds like a good snack?" Well, Ruth popped out to me because, well, who doesn't love candy for a snack? (Baby Ruth, get it?) Yeah, I know, I'm nuts. (No pun intended.) Anyways, this 'candy' is much healthier for the soul and easy on the hips!

Okay, okay, back to Ruth... So I'm reading this story for the umpteenth time and I get to the part in the first chapter where Naomi is telling her daughters-in-law to go back their families. Since I know how the story goes I'm thinking to myself, "If she is supposed to be such a great woman of God, why is she telling them to do something that turns out to be against God's plan?" You know, she tells them to go there but when one disobeys and goes with her, the Lord blesses them like crazy? So why did she tell them to do something else?

I know she is depressed with the loss of the men in her life. And back then, it was hard to be a widow. With no man in the house, you have no rights to land or income. I can't imagine how that must feel since I live in a free country that will hire women to do all kinds of work.

So after my random thought of how Naomi must not have been in such good communication with God's plan, it made me feel better. *heehee*

I feel like I fail as a mom all the time. I have to eat my words when I make the wrong judgement call or swallow my pride when I make the wrong decision in a situation concerning my family. It's tough to feel pressured to know all the answers. And don't even get me started on the people outside my home demanding perfect parenting! YIKES!

Here I felt I could relate to Naomi. She was going through rough times and scrambled for something to tell her daughters-in-law to help them out so they could live full and abundant lives. In her darkness and chaos of being uprooted, she gave them her best answers. One listened to her logic and followed through. The other knew there had to be more and was committed to the things she had learned in the previous years spent with her mother-in-law.

I try to train my son to make right choices (but he's only three so there is still much work to do!). I want him to grow up seeking advice from God before he seeks advice from me or his dad. He needs to learn to know God's will for his life because he is in good communication with God, not because I've lectured him all these years.

I know at this point, he is relying on me to help him make choices and to get help. But I must always show him where I get my answers from - God. And I should always get my answers there over anywhere else.

I'm not perfect, just like Naomi was not perfect. Sometimes things come so fast you don't feel you have time to stop and seek His will and you end up relying on your own logic to handle the situation. It's during times like that where I either thank God that He's given me wisdom beforehand to deal with it appropriately or I cringe wondering if I'm making the right decision and then follow up with lots of prayer to fix any mess I've made. (Try not to end up with the latter.)

I pray that my children will be strong and wise like Ruth. Ruth has seen the consistency in Naomi's life and knew that she had something special. Ruth remembered that she must honor her mother-in-law and take care of her and she did not fall away in her duties. She was faithful with what she had learned and trusted in the god that her mother-in-law trusted. Ruth knew that although her mother-in-law was going through dark times (she was too!), she must be faithful to what she knew was right, even if it seemed to go against what her mother-in-law was telling her to do.

And, oh! Ruth was blessed wasn't she? She continued to listen and obey the customs and teachings of her mother-in-law and she was fully blessed. Not only her, but her mother-in-law was blessed as well. They served a living God who provided beyond measure because of their faithfulness to Him and to each other.

Yes, I pray my children watch and learn not only how I serve God but are wise to see how to serve God even when I stumble. I want them to follow Him, not me.

Pray for your children today and continue to seek God for your answers. Remember to thank Him for leading and teaching your children (and you!) always, even when you fail.

Being a parent is tough work. There are many demands and expectations but no orientation training and handbook to get you through every situation. I know God planned it this way... it makes us realize who really is God and how much we need Him!

Happy Mother's Day this weekend! I hope your weekend is blessed as you spend time with your families and/or reflecting on the wonderful moments shared with the important women in your life. Enjoy this weekend, moms... you've earned it!

"Mommy! You help clean up this mess, please?"

2008-05-07T08:58:00.007-05:00

This image was taken last month but it could be taken any day for the last month!!! Jeremiah is in a "phase" of gathering all of his things and piling them on the floor in his room (ugh) or the living room (double ugh) or the kitchen (triple ugh). It looks so random but I've watched and he honestly is very selective about what he chooses and where it goes. Then he finds a place for himself to sit and play or watch a DVD. How am I supposed to keep the house clean when I can't even see the mess for the mess? Try vacuuming this room because I'm sure there are muffin crumbs lurking under there somewhere...

(Ever watch ET as a kid? This reminds me of when ET was hiding in the toys and mom didn't see him... Has anyone seen my son?)

Anyway... he gets so upset with me when I clean it up or suggest that he clean it up. Eventually, he'll give in and we'll tackle it.

Last night it was SO BAD. I seriously dreaded going into his room to get him ready for bed. And Daddy was 'nice' (note sarcasm) enough to just laugh and turn away from dong anything about it. Jeremiah, in all his creativity, had his little chair turned over and hung lots of things from the legs to make a "Tree" (it was kinda cool, really) and then the usual assortment of DVD's, plastic food, stuffed animals, blankets and other random items were strewn all over the floor around it.

(Side note: I'm not sure why I let him do this. Partly because I can't stop him before it gets started unless I'm hovering over him 24-7 and also maybe because he is so particular about how he goes about it (like he has a plan) that I feel like I may be stifiling him in some way. This is really odd behavior for a kid who really likes things in their place. But to him, it's not a mess, it's his stuff in their proper places. ???)

Back to me dreading... he wanders in to where I am and I tell him he needs to clean up his mess.

"Oh, no, mommy. It's not a mess, it's the beach!"

I give him a short lecture on how we need to keep our beaches clean.

He thinks about it.

"No. It's the beach. It's all my stuff. I have a lot of stuff."

"Yes, you do have a lot of stuff and you need to clean it up. Go on now."

*whining* "I don't want to clean up!"

"I know you don't. I don't want to hear whining. Let's go, clean up."

He runs to his room, heartbroken.

Then I hear the call... "Mommy! You help clean up this mess, please?"

Sure.

So I head to ground zero and instruct him to put away the DVDs while I make the bed. I give him directions on what to put away so the task seems a little more beareable to a 3 year old and I take care of the more complicated things like re-folding all the clothes he also drug into the mess.

He isn't whining or fussing anymore, he's now busy with organizing the plastic food into the play kitchen and gathering the books to put on the shelf. Then when it's all cleaned up he jumps up and down and says "I did it! Look, mommy! I cleaned up!" Ahhh... now we can get ready for bed.

As I tucked him in and reviewed that part of the evening I thought about how Jesus said in Matthew 18:4....

"Whosoever therefore shall humble themselves as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Now, I'm not God (aren't you thankful!) but Jeremiah comes to me the same way we should come to God. Part of our job as a parent is to immulate Christ to our children. No pressure, right?

I thought about Jeremiah's words tonight. I told him he needed to clean up his mess. And he really needed to do so. But the task was staggering (go back up and check out the pic!). Usually, I'll come in and find he just decided to keep playing in the mess instead of cleaning up. I can't blame him for feeling overwhelmed.

But he did the right thing. He asked for help. Actually, he first told me to clean up the mess and I told him it was his mess to clean up (see, I knew you'd be glad that I wasn't God!). And he honestly went to his room to attempt it. But then he called for help.

God wants us to clean up the junk and messes in our lives. We gather our stuff and surround ourselves with things that make us "happy" and then we come to realize that it's a mess! Too much clutter around us that we can't get things done. We can't get to anything. We can't see the filth collecting underneath the pile of things so we don't know there is anything to clean.

Oh, how we do this with our lives, don't we! (quadruple ugh). We get so busy with our stuff we lose sight of some important things that get neglected and we can't see the deep cleaning that needs to take place. Then the mess gets too distracting and we get cranky about being so busy and everything is crazy so we decide to clean up but then the task is so daunting we just want to shut the door and forget about it or we just plop right down in the middle of it and find a way to keep on having fun in the midst of it.

"You help clean up this mess, please?"

We need to come to Jesus as a child. We can't do it alone and we don't have to. He is there waiting for us to ask Him for help. He knows how to clean it up. He knows where everything goes. He is just waiting for us to realize it needs cleaning up.

Jeremiah is only 3. These first few years of his life I did not put an expectation on him to clean up all of his disasters. We'd both be miserable! But now I see that he's old enough to start learning that these messes are meant to be cleaned up. Our lives should be tidier so we can live in peace. We need to take care of our home.

God has saved us from many messes in our lives. He has cleaned up more than we can imagine. But there comes a time when we need to grow up a bit and start taking care of our responsibilities. He sees the mess we make and He is ready to help clean it up but at this phase we need to see it needs to be cleaned up. We need to mature in our spiritual walk and recognize where there are problems and neglect. Then we will begin to learn to keep those areas from getting to that point again. At least that is the goal, right?

I'm so thankful that God is there to help us with the mess. He gives us our part in increments we can handle and gives us all the direction we need. He doesn't expect us to take care of it all, especially the more complicated items. He takes care of that. He just wants us to participate. It is time we can spend together where He can teach and I can learn and when all is said and done - it's clean! Then we have more peace (and room!) to play, to laugh and to share some precious moments together.

Ask Him to help you clean up the clutter in your life. Follow His direction to get your life in order so you, too, can see the underlying filth that has been long neglected. Then you can have some peace in your life and begin to truly enjoy the many blessings He has waiting for you!

Incremental Compromise

2008-05-06T14:51:00.005-05:00

I saw a middle school girl wearing a shirt that said this: My first thought was "Well, that is different! MUCH better than those other trashy ones..."

You know what I'm talking about. The ones that say stuff about sex and other crude things we aren't supposed to talk about. I've seen some that make me cringe like "Shake what your momma gave you" and "Three ways to get a guy: lie, cheat, steal" Stuff like that. Ick.

So, again, my initial response was that this was better. But then I walked away and thought to myself, "Is it better?"

I guess it might be 'better' but really, it is still sending the wrong message. A phrase I heard many moons ago that always sticks in my mind is "Incremental Compromise" (Big words, go me!). Basically, you give just a little more here and there and don't notice how far you've gone until you've compromised too much. And do you notice then?

To me, this shirt was a classic example of this. I mean, really, in today's society of sexual influences on young girls, a mother would probably be happy her daughter chose this shirt over many of the others. Mom might also be excited that her daughter wasn't interested in kissing on the first date and also wanted to advertise that to the lurking boys, right? But when I look at this beautiful middle school girl, do I think that hugging on the first date would be appropriate?

As a mom I'd say, "NO WAY!" because I would hope that my children would value themselves enough to get to know a person better before engaging in any physical contact. I mean, hello! The girl is in MIDDLE SCHOOL. Yes, I know back in the days when Jesus walked the earth, girls of this pre-pubescent age were getting married off and starting familes... but that was thousands of years ago and their parents trained them to be mature and ready for that by that age. Since we (especially here in the good ol' USA) don't prepare our daughters this way, it's not fair to allow them to be thrown out there to engage in such mature behaviors. And really, back then I'm sure they didn't even hug on the first date! (Did they even "date"?)

Okay, sorry for the side track there on teen dating... Back to the subject: Incremental Compromise.

So this example (that strikes a cord with me, can you tell?) is just one of MANY examples of where we give in just a little because it's not as bad as it could be, right? But giving in here and there and a little more here and a little more there slowly adds up.

We hold our newborns in our arms and rock them gently to sleep dreaming of the days ahead of them getting married and having kids of their own, landing successful jobs and living in big, beautiful houses... We don't 'dream' about the day they go off without you with some member of the opposite sex they met on a school bus (beacause they aren't old enough to drive) and we have no clue where they really are or what they are doing... so how do we get to that point?

We give in just a little... "Mom, it's not like we're going to do anything! It's just a movie..." give a little more... "Oh come on, we were just holding hands. We weren't kissing like so-n-so..." and more... "It's not like I'm sleeping around, we love each other and are getting married in a couple months..." Where does it end?!?!

Can you see this give-a-little scenario working in other areas of your life? The music you listen to, the shows/movies you watch, the clothes you wear, the things you talk about... Whatever it is, Satan is right there whispering in your ear, "It's not as bad as so-n-so/such-n-such..."

It's time to stop listening to the lies. Stop agreeing with the devil that just a little bit of sin isn't as bad as a lot of sin. Set a higher standard for yourself! You are worth far more than this.

I remember hearing a little rhyme years ago that also sticks out in my mind when I think of this topic:

Good, better, best.

Never let it rest...

Until your good is better,

and your better is best!

So I encourage you today to take some inventory and see where you might have compromised a little (or a lot). What is in your life that you have slowly compromised? What is it that God is not pleased with, (even if you think it's better than you're neighbor's dirty deeds)?

Let's get back to what is true and pure and lovely in the sight of God and stop compromising. Compromising is not getting a little of your way and still staying with God's way. No, it's getting your way and none of God's way. Don't let these little incements of compromise separate you from the love of God and His eternal reward. Sin is sin and it needs to stop.

Let this be the prayer of your heart today:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

~Psalm 139:23-24

Stubborn for Jesus

2008-05-05T07:11:00.005-05:00

Sounds like a bumper sticker! Ha!

So, yeah, I can be kind of stubborn at times. Okay, if you ask people who know me they may tell you it's an understatement. *sigh* But, really, I like to think of it as "determined"...

A couple weeks ago, I had this brilliant idea of making homemade muffins. My little boy is really into them and I just love food so you know I'm in! My fave is blueberry and then there are also these orange ones from a local deli that are AWESOME. So I decided that I needed to whip up some of these beauties in my own kitchen. We were preparing for a baby shower brunch so this was perfect timing!

As you can probably tell where this is going, the muffins turned out less than ideal. They were more like hard dinner biscuits with blueberries. No fluffy, cake-like texture, just thick and stiff muffins. And the orange ones? Well, they were just hard dinner biscuits. Not a hint of orange anywhere!

Grrrrr....

So I studied up in my handy-dandy cookbook on all that I could have done wrong and tried again. Same results.

Grrrrr.....

So, on to my next resort. I searched the internet. They didn't offer any new helpful ideas. So then I called my kitchen guru SIL and filled her in on all my trials and errors. We concluded that the likely problem must have been that I'm a slacker and my baking powder was too old.

Sooooo... armed with this info, I decided to just keep it simple and I bought some self-rising flour. LOL And of course I had to try again.

But this time I was going to boost the orange flavor by using real oranges this time. So I sat there and scraped and zested my orange until I had a little tablespoon of the zest. I had it all over the place! Then I squeezed the oranges to get the juice - with my hands since I don't have a juicer thingie (mental note: get one). By the time it was all said and done, I had made a huge mess but had my 3/4 cup of OJ and zest ready to go.

I whipped up the recipe but my next problem was there didn't seem to be enough wet ingredients. The recipe said to not mix so much so the batter would get stiff. It immediately went stiff and there was still tons of dry ingredients with nothing to wet them!

Grrrrr...

So with no more time to spend squeezing and no more oranges anyway, I added a little milk to moisten the batter. Popped the thick-looking dough into the paper cups and eagerly waited for the oven timer to go off.

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

Doubtfully, I retrieved the muffins from the oven and stared at them while they cooled in the pan for a minute, wondering if they were a duplication of the 4 dozen muffins (biscuits) of the previous weekend.

I examined each of them as I transferred them to the cooling rack. Hubby walks through shaking his head at my 'determination' to make a decent muffin from scratch. When I couldn't stand it any more, I poured a glass of milk and removed the paper from one of the warm muffins.

Took a bite...

Wow. It was actually fluffy! This is a good thing! And wait! Is that a hint of orange I taste? Hmm... yes, I think so! Success!

As I cleaned up the mess and thought about all the time I spent trying to get these muffins right, I had to laugh at myself. And the next step? Ask God what I need to learn from this.

Stubborn stubborn stubborn.

These words just kept popping in my head.

Yes, I know I can be, aren't we all sometimes?

How stubborn are you for Jesus?

At first this question seemed kind of corny to me. But then I thought about it again.

Am I?

Do I put as much effort and determination into the things of God in my life as I did these muffins? Do I purpose to dig and learn and grow when it comes to my spiritual walk? The Bible tells us to study to show ourselves approved (2 Timothy 2:15). Am I doing this? It also tells us that we are a peculiar people (Titus 2:14, Peter 2:9). Am I determined to stand out because of my faith?

Are you stubborn for Jesus today? It is so worth it. =)

Looks Like Rain

2008-05-02T22:20:00.004-05:00

The day started off nice and sunny out. Even though I knew the forcast predicted rain this weekend, I was still surprised to see the sky darken and winds pick up.

Looks like rain...

I grabbed my camera to see if I could capture a glimpse of the storm beginning to brew. The wind whipped the new leaves wildly and the clouds rushed by as I snapped away. I got my shot then headed inside barely missing the chunks of hail that began to hit our deck. The flood gates opened and down poured the rain.

As I worked in the kitchen, looking out the window, I kept thinking about that phrase.

Looks like rain.

I began to think about the warnings we are given time and time again that we've come to ignore. My heart grows heavy to think about the people that ignore the signs and go on in their merry way, laughing in the face of what is to come.

I'm not usually a dark thinker. But today my heart grew dark with the darkening sky. It seems more and more people each day turn away from the Light to seek their own pleasures. The very people who just days before wept from deep in their hearts about the sorrow they felt when they separated themselves from God.

How quickly do we forget?

Too quickly it seems. Today a young girl asked me if it was painful to have a baby. I explained that although giving birth can be a physically painful event, the prize was so worth it that you forget all about the pain.

I think that maybe some people treat God this way but with a different twist in the end. They go through hard times and He gets them through with victory to the other side. But all too quickly they forget the victory and focus on the obstacles ahead. Then they lose sight of the One that was always there and blame Him for allowing them heartaches and misery.

Yes, my heart was heavy today for those that forgot.

(For the Lord thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of they faters which he sware unto them.

~Deuteronomy 4:31

I'm so thankful that God doesn't forget. He doesn't forget the promises He has made to us. I'm also amazed at why. 1 Samuel 12:22 reminds us that He will not forsake us because He is pleased to make us His people.

How awesome is that?

He loves us so much. He loves YOU so much. I know His heart is heavier than mine. I pray that I do not bring heaviness to His heart. I also pray that others will open their eyes and hearts to see that they are slipping farther away with each passing moment when they choose the world over the Lord in their lives. When the sun is shining and when the skies are grey, I pray they are reminded of the storms of life ahead and how to get through them. There is only one way to get through and make it out alive.

It looks like rain is coming. Whom will you fear? Whom will you trust? Whom will you follow?

Discipline vs Temptation

2008-05-02T09:19:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago I brought donuts for my Sunday School students. They scarfed down most of them but a few ended up at home with us. After dinner we all savored them for dessert but there was one little donut left in the box. Each time I wandered through the kitchen, I'd catch a glimpse of the lone little treat sitting in the box.

Should I eat it?

No. I do not need the extra calories and hello!!! I just had one! So there it sat, tempting me with it's sorrowful eye... not really but it sounded more dramatic this way. LOL

You'd think I'd get tired of looking at it but instead I took a picture of it. The word "discipline" kept coming to mind when I saw it and it made me giggle inside. I had forgotten about this until I ran across it in my picture file the other day. It reminded me of all the temptations we face everyday.

What?! That innocent little donut?

Yup, even innocent little donuts. Song of Solomon 2:15 reminds us that it's the little foxes that spoil the vine for we have "tender grapes."

What?

Sometimes it's so hard to balance our lives with all there is to be done. Work, chores, family, keeping up with others... so much to do it's hard to stop and see everything flying your way. Then you let some little things go because they really are not so important. At least until they become important and we're too busy to notice.

Yes, those little "foxes" that sneak into our lives. We feel like we've gotten everything under control and take a break from monitoring our lives. Then they come in stealthily and feed on our unprotected "grapes" the tender areas of our lives that we assume are safe and pay less attention to.

Sometimes I find myself focusing too much attention on the big things that interfere with my life and I forget there are other, more subtle areas that can be affected just as easily if not more so. I need to die daily to these other areas as well as the big hurdles that blind me from seeing anything else.

More focusing on God and how He needs to change me today. More focusing on God and how He needs to control my rising up and sitting down. Just more focus on God.

Hmmm... discipline vs temptation? Who's going to win today?

What Happens When Your Thumbs Aren't Green...

2008-04-14T09:28:00.010-05:00

This is the beautiful Magnolia plant my sister-in-law gave me for my birthday:

I know, it's looking a little rough right now. My thumbs are far from green. I let the plant enjoy the fresh air and sunshine the first couple days as I attempted to figure out where the best place would be for it. Then the weather turned colder and I brought it indoors next to the best window light we had. It didn't seem to like the change. I have been keeping it moist and trying to follow directions to keep it pretty but I'm not doing so great. This really upsets me!

It reminds me of the many springs of years past where I get this bright idea that I will follow my neighbor's lead and fill my yard with colorful flowers to be enjoyed by all for the summer. But again, the problem with my non-green thumbs...

I can't seem to keep them looking fresh (or alive) for very long. Turns out I either water them too much, not enough or they are getting fried in the sun. No matter how often I review the directions, I can't seem to get it right. This is a problem for the mind that likes to figure things out. (Yes, I was the kid who took apart my dad's electric razor to see how it worked.)

I can't help but feel a little discouraged at my failure. I mean, seriously, these plants have grown wild for thousands of years and I can't seem to keep one alive. What am I doing wrong? Well, other than trying to raise a plant not in it's natural habitat, lots of things! As usual.

I am reminded of Who created the plants. God created them to give us clean air to breathe and for us to enjoy their beauty.

And here I go messing things up again by my own power!

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

~ II Corinthians 12:9

I'm so thankful that my life does not have to depend on my strengths and definitely my weaknesses. As with the plant, I'd never make it! Isn't it wonderful that God provides a way for our lives to be abundantly full of joy? What an honor to be a part of His plan.

Allow Him to work His magic touch in your life today to transform the failures of your weaknesses into glorious beauty for His Name Sake!

Satisfaction

2008-03-28T08:39:00.003-05:00

Being pregnant, I am hungry. A LOT. I find myself lusting after donuts and ice cream... and even diced tomatoes! Sometimes I catch myself wandering around in the kitchen from cupboard to refridgerator in search of... something. Most of the time I don't even know what I'm seeking. My belly is round and full and yet my mouth is longing to munch on something.

But still I am not satisfied.

I stopped mid-search one day and asked myself what I was doing. I sure didn't need all those extra calories. I may be "eating for two" but definitely not three! Why was I doing this? I stopped and opted for a large glass of water and went on my way to think about how God can use this situation to teach me something. He was telling me to be to be satisfied in Him alone. Again, nothing new to me (are we seeing a trend?).

A few days later I picked up my Bible and noticed my son had moved my marker to Ecclesiastes. I opened up to the page he marked for me and a verse caught my eye...

"All the labour of man is for his mouth, and yet the appetite is not filled."

~Ecclesiastes 6:7

I read it a few times to let it sink in before reading the rest of the chapter surrounding this verse. Wow, did this make sense to me. We struggle so hard each day to make it through and get things done so we can have a moment of rest or fun, to satisfy ourselves.

But in the end, are we satisfied?

Perhaps in some cases, to soem degree. But to be truly satisfied... are we ever? The Bible tells us to hunger and thirst after His righteousness. Do I? I know I miss it when I am not spending as much time in the Word as I need to. I miss it when I don't talk to Him as often as required to maintain our relationship. I miss Him. I hunger for Him.

But maybe not enough?

Am I trying to fill my life, my soul, with empty calories? Grab a cookie here, a mini Snickers there, just to hold me over until meal time? If I'm not careful, thoes empty calories fill me up and I am not able to feast on my main meal full of all the nutrients I need.

So it is with God.

I must focus on Him and feeding my spirit with things of God. If I need a snack to hold me over, what better way than a moment of prayer or songs of worship?

Take time today to give a little extra to boost your health both physically and spiritually.

Remember This Easter

2008-03-23T08:12:00.005-05:00

It's Easter Sunday morning and I'm doing what many people will be doing today... reading the scriptures describing the last moments of Jesus and then His resurrection. There are so many topics to come from these passages, ones of hope and life and freedom... but one section of scripture kept sticking out in my mind as I read:

"And they that passed by reviled him, wagging their heads,

And saying, Thou that buildest the temple, and buildest it in three days, save thyself. If thou be the son of God, come down from the cross.

Likewise also the chief priests mocking him, with the scribes and elders, said,

He saved others; himself he cannot save. If he be the King of Israel, let him now come down from the cross, and we will believe him.

He trusted in God; let him deliver him now, if he will have him: for he said, I am the Son of God.

The thieves also, which were crucified with him, cast the same in his teeth."

~Matthew 27:39-44

What caught my eye was the people passing by quoting Him. They heard Him speak and remembered not only His words, but the meaning.

Were these the people who followed Him, hung on His every word, watched His every healing and told many others so they can also believe?

My heart became heavy. Last night, I was thinking of some people that were walking with God and striving to grow closer to Him but lately, they seem to care less about the victories He's won in their lives. It's as if they have given up on life and everything they know to be true because they've let Him go and now are left empty. I am grieving over these people and are concerned for their souls. They seem to only remember the dark days, the shadows that brought them fear and emptiness.

To know Him so closely, then to deny all He has done and turn away.

Maybe something in their life didn't go the way they planned. I can see the same in the people mentioned in this passage. They listened and maybe believed but seeing Him on a cross like a lowly criminal, seemingly unable to save Himself... I would probably have doubting thoughts creeping in as well.

Oh, but those that never waiver...

Dark days come, trials weigh us down, the enemy attacks the very parts of our lives we live for... But the faithful few will remember. Yes, they will remember who was on the cross. They will remember why He was there and what happened next. They will see the dark clouds forming above but they will also see the light shining through. Yes, they will remember the hope that gives life to this Springtime holiday. The rabbits, the eggs, the baskets... they will celebrate but they will be celebrating the ressurection of the Savior. They will remember who should have been on the cross and they will remember who took their place instead. They will remember the love that flowed in drops of blood that freed them from eternity in Hell. Yes, they will remember. And they will celebrate. And they will be more than conquerors.

What will you remember this Easter Season?

Victory in Forgiveness

2008-03-19T13:29:00.002-05:00

I woke up around 3 am tossing and turning as usual. Pregnancy sleep prepares you for those sleepless nights ahead, I'm figuring! But tonight I was restless not only from discomfort, but from a heavy burden weighing me down. My mind began to overflow with painful emotions and memories of past hurts. One in particular always comes to mind.

I have a long time friend who has often said or done hurtful things to me and others. I always tried to be kind and forgiving to her, especially when I saw how her deeds ended several other relationships in her life. I suppose I thought I was forgiving and maybe at times I really was. Or maybe I kept coming back to the friendship out of pity. For her or me, I really don't know.

This disfunctional relationship has continued for almost two decades and a few years ago it seemed to come to a head. I was tired of the high school drama and tired of being treated like a doormat only to be berated for making her feel bad that she treated me bad. Does that even make sense? Not really. But there I was, soaking in all the ways I was a horrible person and deserved to be treated like this because I wasn't kind enough to take it with a smile and give back a gift. It really was crazy.

And it was driving me crazy.

Many times over the years, and especially the past few years, I thought I had finally let it go. I knew I needed to and thought I knew how and figured I did. But the tossing and turning this morning told me otherwise.

Now, I was so angry with myself. Why do I let this go on? Why do I let her control me like this? She doesn't even realize what she is doing and doesn't care, why do I? The endless questions that I use to contiue to berate myself. You see, I don't need her to help me with this anymore.

I crawled out of bed and sat at my desk and pulled out my Bible. I put my weary eyes in my hands and rubbed as I thought about how many times I have been here. I browsed through my Bible pages but I already knew what I needed to do.

So why am I not doing it?

This is what I asked myself for the thousandth time. But then I realized that maybe that isn't the real question. I asked God what the next question was.

How come I cannot do it?

Did I not want to? Did I really not know how? Was it impossible? I knew I didn't have the answers. So I asked again.

How can I do this?

I'm not even sure what happened next. Maybe it's the lack of sleep and overwhelmed mind but it's as if the next few moments happened as I looked on. I saw myself Googling for help to forgive. I remember questioning myself why I was Googling when my Bible sat between me and the keyboard. But the first article that came up I read.

It was nothing profound. Nothing I had not heard before. But tonight must have been the night to finally set things right in my heart. I sat there with my eyes closed and separated my friend from the hurtful things she has done to me. I repeated this over and over until I finally felt the separation in my heart from the pain I harbored all this time. I don't know why she has hurt me the way she has. I don't even know if she knows. But God knows and now that is enough for me.

"Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give peace unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good."

~Romans 12:19-21

I had spent years of heaping coals and killing with kindness. But I had not overcome evil with good because I was focusing on the "killing" part of that phrase. What I glossed over was the part where the Lord will repay. I was overly nice to her and that only backfired with more hurtful actions from her. But I was doing the right thing, wasn't I? Why is it not working? I had been clinging to my right to be angry with her and hold a grudge.

How did I do this and not know it?

I'm still not sure how all that works. I just know so many of my years were wasted. Friendships with others that never blossomed due to the fear of more hurt. You know how it is, 'who needs enemy with friends like these?' But she was not concerned about me, not one bit. She was living in the freedom of oblivion while I stayed in prison waiting for her to take the responsibility and release me.

She hasn't and maybe never will. That is not my problem. My problem was that I never let it go like I thought I had. I know the enemy will bring this up again and again in attempt to drag me back down but I know it's over for now and I'm living there. It feels too good to be free from such ugly drama in my life. I may never talk to her again and that is okay. But if I do, I can't hold onto this anymore. And I won't, Lord willing.

Warm Fuzzy Moments to Last a Lifetime

2008-03-12T06:57:00.005-05:00

You know those moments that you want to remember forever and ever? I had one last night.

Jeremiah and I crawled into his bed last night to read and we snuggled and cuddled through the books. Then he told me to lay down and turn off the light. So we continuted our snuggling in darkness. He is so sweet! When he discovered that I was just laying by him, he instructed me to "get in the blanket, Mommy." He likes to dig his little feet into my belly, just to know I'm close. Knowing how tired he was (and it was way past his bedtime), I decided to sing to him in hopes he would settle down quickly.

I began to sing a little song I made up when he was first born. It has his name in it and tells him how wonderful and special he is to me... Here lately, he tells me to stop singing any song because he knows I can't sing! But tonight, I looked over and stole a peek with the hall light spilling across his face and saw a big grin. I had not sung this song in a long time and it warmed my heart that he not only remembered it, but seemed to remembered the bond that was made all those sleepless nights we spent in the rocking chair as I tried to lull him to sleep.

Daddy came in to say bedtime prayers and tuck him in and he was instructed to close the door when he left. I tried to get up to leave with him, but a little hand gently pulled on my arm. "Lay down on the pillow, please. Mommy go night-night in Jeremiah's bed." I couldn't resist one more snuggle with my little guy before he fell asleep. As he dug his little feet into my belly and put his face inches from mine, I could feel his sweet little breath on my cheek. I knew he wanted me close but it was a toss up on who was getting the better end of this deal.

These are the moments you wish would last forever.

As I crawled into my own bed, I thought about how wonderful that moment felt. Then I felt something else. I felt God nudge me to remember how sweet those moments were that I shared with Him. Those nights when we "snuggled" close and exchanged the depths of our hearts. How I wanted to feel Him so close and didn't want to ever have Him leave my side. Yes, those are the sweetest moments.

It was so precious to me that Jeremiah wanted me so close. Thinking about this, I knew that is what God loves too. It warms His heart when we long to be so close to Him that we curl up next to Him and dig until we are settled into a place where we will always be touching, even as we drift off to sleep.

I love that I am able to give Jeremiah a sense of security in such a big, daunting world. And I'm so grateful for the security of having my Heavenly Father so close to me in the same big world. When I look at Jeremiah and think of God, I am always drawn to this verse:

"Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, shall in no wise enter therein."

~Luke 18:17

Father, thank You for loving me each and every day. Thank You for always creating special ways for us to spend time together and demonstrate that love. You are so incredible to not only take the time to hold me close and sing to my heart, but you also desire to do so. How special am I to You. Help me to always come to You as a child, seeking attention all the while knowing I am loved and safe with You as my Father. Thank You for Your faithfulness that has taught me to trust You in every situation and live more freely. Your love is amazing.

Patience? Who has time for that?!

2008-03-10T22:21:00.012-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days when you just feel inches away from losing it? Well, today wasn't quite that bad but my patience was wearing very thin by the time I headed to the checkout with my three year old.

What happened to my sweet, well-behaved child? The answer? He turned normal on me. I am always the first to say my kid is different. But in a good way! His quirks sometimes get a little too quirky for others but he's an all-around good kid and I'll keep him, quirks and all!

But today... today he was a normal little kid. He wanted to run the aisles and play hide and seek from me (which is not good because as a mommy, my big fear is that someone would take him if he left my sight for even a half second!). He had that irresistable urge to touch and handle EVERYTHING and then throw (not even a gentle toss) into the cart. Yeah, all the stuff like bread and bananas and chips... and the other things that you should be careful with (I'm so glad we didn't need eggs today!). He was constantly in the wrong place when I needed to steer and seemed to always be right in someone's way. He would decide to hang on the cart (or jump off of the cart) before telling me, thus getting run over or falling into something else (or someone else). You know, your typical stuff that kids do. But, you see, my kid is strange and never did these things before. He was always so sweet to sit in the cart and watch or line up the canned goods. Or he'd be right by my side obeying my every word... Unreal? Probably. But I was so enjoying it!

So being a crazy, hormonal psychopath... oh, I mean "pregnant" person... I didn't have much patience to start my day with and what little I did have was getting used up quickly today.

On the way home (after wrestling him into the car while he smeared his muddy shoes all over the seats and my pants), he was just as happy as a kid could be. He sang songs and talked about how happy he was that he found his red car in my purse (after dumping the contents onto the floor during the checkout).

And there I sat, frustrated.

I had to ask myself why I was so frustrated over this. Something so easily forgivable and so... normal. I started to run through ideas of how to teach him to be more obedient to my words and to start making right choices based on all my lecturing...

But...

As I listened to his happy little chirps, I began to feel like a terrible mom. How can I be so impatient? Why can't I just enjoy every moment with him? He'll only be this age once, right? The first thought that popped in my head was "Thank you Jesus!" But the thanks was for this phase being a passing one, not what a blessing he is! YIKES. Strike two? Or have I gone onto strike 2002?

I'm not always so impatient. Just today was not a good day for me to flex the supermom muscles. Again, I turned to God...

What are you going to teach me though this?

Probably something I already know, right? Yup. He reminded me of His patience towards me. He showed me that today I expected too much from a little boy so fascinated with his surroundings he couldn't help but be excited. I looked at his noncompliance to my continuous "Don't touch that's" instead of looking at the wonder and curiosity as seen through the eyes of a growing child. I looked at his neglect and disobedience to my "Be easy! Be gentle!" nagging and missed the little boy who really wanted to take part in this big world and help his exasperated mommy pile food into the cart. How many times do I need to receive the same lessons before they become nature? Maybe never since it isn't in my nature?

But it is in God's nature.

"Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust."

~ 2 Peter 1:4

I'm so thankful that God is patient with me. My goodness! I've been far more disobedient over the years than one trip to the grocery! But to top off the good news of His patience is to know that He allows us to be partakers of His nature. Not only do we need to strive daily to be Christ-like, He wants us to so much that He makes it possible!

I started to search the scriptures and, of course, found many reminding me to be patient with others and also with the coming of Christ. This was not new information. But it is always good to be reminded. When your judgement gets cloudy, even if just for a moment, it is sometimes difficult to remember.

Tonight as I tucked my little guy into bed and listened to the slow, deep breaths telling me he was finally going to calm down today, I could also be still. I could be still and know that God is so good. I want so much to reflect my Heavenly Father in my parenting.

Lord, please help me to be patient with my son as You are patient with me. Help me to first rely on Your parenting, not my own. You are not only patient, You see Your children through the eyes of love and mercy at all times. Help me to be an example of this to my children and those around me. Thank You for your reminders in Your Word and thank You for being so close as a whisper to speak to me.

Ask or Tell?

2008-03-09T11:28:00.003-05:00

I was watching an episode of 7th Heaven the other day and Ruthie said she told God she wanted a pony and was now just waiting for the pony. Usually TV is a way for me to turn my mind off and focus on another world but I now don't remember the rest of that episode because God started talking to me...

Do you tell Me or ask Me?

I stopped and thought about this question. Do I tell God what I want? Or do I ask Him for what I want? I began to look up verses with the word "ask" and found tons in the New Testament that tell us to ask in Jesus' Name and we shall receive.

Matthew 7:7 and Luke 11:9 - Ask, and it shall be given unto you...

Matthew 7:11 - ...how much more shall Your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Matthew 21:22 and Mark 10:38 - And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

John 14:14 - If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.

John 15:7 - If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.

John 16:24 - ...ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full.

And so many more verses along the same lines. Then I looked up verses with the word "tell" and didn't find any that said we should tell God what we want. I found some scriptures where Jesus asked others to tell him something, but He already knew the answer and the people knew they could not answer without being caught in their own words.

What a comfort it is to know that God already knows what we want. He knows every desire of our heart - He created it! He also knows what we really need. So why do we feel the need to tell Him?

He does, however, want us to ask...

My son is three and is already a very good CEO. He can delegate tasks with the best of them. He knows just what he wants and is more than happy to tell me. Over and over again until the job is complete. And not just tell me what he wants, but exactly how he wants it. The when and the where too.

Many days, this drives me nuts. Mostly because I usually already knows what he wants before he does. Maybe we spend too much time together? =) I don't mind that he wants or needs something, but it gets old to hear his demands. It is sweet to hear his requests, though! When he adds a little "please?" on the end, it warms my heart. Not just because he knows to be polite, but because he possibly understands that it is a request and I don't have to fulfill it. So when I choose to fulfill it, he will be grateful and I'll get to hear a little "thank you!"

Demands from a three year old are easily shrugged off but the older people get, the uglier it seems. It becomes an act of disrepect and selfishness. When this happens, we are not so eager to fulfill these demands of others. Dark thoughts creep in like, "Who do they think they are to boss me around?" So then why is it okay for us to treat God this way?

Um... it's not.

He knows what we need and He knows just how to provide, according to His riches and glory. So the next time you are in want and need, ask God to work things out and save the telling for things like how much you love Him and how grateful you are for all He has done for you.

Have a blessed day!

I've Got A New Way To Walk

2008-03-03T08:58:00.007-06:00

A random moment presented itself yesterday, giving me just a few moments of uninterruped free time so I grabbed my Bible off the nightstand (another reason to stay in bed a few more minutes longer!).

I had been wandering around in my reading, not staying in any particular chapter for a while now but decided to go back to Acts where I last left off and began reading about Peter's journey to Lydda...

"And there he found a certain man named Eneas, which had kept his bed eight years, and was sick of the palsy. And Peter said unto him, Eneas, Jesus Christ maketh thee whole: arise, and make thy bed. And he arose immediately."

~Acts 9:33-34

I started to keep reading along in the chapter when a thought crossed my mind.

Why did he tell him to make his bed?

I was reminded of other times in the Bible when people who were healed were told to pick up thy mat and walk and such things along those lines. I stopped and thought about how I would respond in that situation.

I'm sick for years. Doctors have given me no hope to ever walk again but to live the rest of my life at the mercy of others, lying in my bed. I have done this for eight years now, what possible new remedy could change this? Then some strange man comes to town that we've heard about. Supposedly, he has healed people. I want to get my hopes up. But then I remember all the doctors, witch doctors and grandma's chicken soup that also promised healing and my hopes again sink into the black hole of my present condition.

My family convinces him to see me. They tell me he'll pray to his god for my healing. In my mind I'm mumbling, "What god? The One who gave me this disease and left me to die?" My heart hardens and grows colder.

But when this man called Peter comes into my room, the atmosphere changes. There is something about him that is different from anyone else called to my room to offer a healing touch. I am suddenly filled with hope and am anxious for him to speak. I can barely move my head so he comes to my side and looks me in the eye. His compassion is overwhelming. I feel tears welling up. Not the tears of sorrow I have cried the past eight years, but tears of release.

Something is different...

He takes hold of my hand and pats it gently. I can barely breathe as I wait for his words. I am frozen, fearful to move, fearful to make a sound and miss a single utterance from this man. His voice is soft and gentle yet firm and confident as he speaks my name.

"Eneas..."

Is this how things happened? Was it so dramatic? It seems the problems I encounter do not have so much drama to them to come across as powerful and overwhelming. I'd probably just stop and the loss of hope and never felt the atmosphere change. I'm human, right? So was this Eneas guy, right?

As I sat there rubbing my tired eyes, still sitting in bed waiting for my turn in the shower, I thought about how ordinary life seems in real life. This meant I could see me in Eneas's situation looking at Peter like "Now what?" And if he just told me to walk, would I respond with "Um, hello! I can't walk, I've been like this for years and they told me I would never walk. Do you want to talk to my doctor?"

I started asking God what this passage meant for me, for my life. He pointed out that He healed the man and the first thing He told him to do was to take care of business.

Business?

He did not tell him to jump and leap about and tell everyone. He probably knew he would do this anyway. He told him to take care of business. He was healed and he needed to walk in it.

"...make thy bed..."

I don't know about you, but when my bed is left unmade, it's a reminder to me that I'm just a hop away from slumber and draws me in like a moth to a flame. I just love to sleep! Seeing the soft sheets and pillows exposed reminds me of the comfort I felt just moments earlier and how wonderful life can be snuggled up in the warm, fluffy covers. I'm not hustling and bustling around, wearing myself thin, I'm safe and calm and relaxed.

But then, when I know I am not returning to bed anytime soon, it's best for me to make the bed and go about my day. I'm not as tempted to pull back the sheet and jump in when I took the time to put the covers in their rightful place. My mind is taken off slumbering and turned onto getting some things marked off my to-do list.

Isn't this just like us spiritually? We see what a mess we are in and we have a longing hunger and desire to be healed or delivered from this mess that holds us captive. We dislike that we are left here day after day never to enjoy many things in the life God created for us. For some, it's an addiction. For others, it's an addiction of a more subtle kind. It may be an illness or a broken relationship going downhill... something we can complain about and blame for our imperfections and inadequacies...

Yet after years, the thought of leaving our "bed" doesn't necessarily seem comforting. We may have to work. We may have to sweat. We may have to be responsible.

We may run out of excuses...

But God tells us to take care of business. When He brings healing and/or deliverance, we need to walk in it. We need to believe it happened and start living our lives like it did - because it did! We are no longer bound to our prisons. We are free to move and live and have our being!

So why do we stay there?

It's so easy to look at others and ask this question about them. They went to the altar last month and prayed and said God touched them... why are they back where they started? When we ask ourselves this question, the enemy supplies us with all the responses we desire. But when we get honest... what is it really that squelches what was done that day not so long ago when we felt God move in us?

Are we complacent to stay where we are? He made us a new creation! The fear of the unknown? God's Word says He does not give us a spirit of fear. So we can throw that one out too.

This challenged me and I want you to be challenged and encouraged. No matter what your demon is that holds you back from a deeper walk with Him, He has made a way. If you are seeking healing/deliverance, seek Him and allow Him to make that change in your life. Then, take care of your business and walk in this new truth and the new walk He's given you. If He says you can, then YOU CAN!

The title is a Sesame Street song Jeremiah and I sing and dance to while he brushes his teeth! So just for fun, I'm adding this clip for you to enjoy too!

Baby Steps

2008-02-26T13:43:00.004-06:00

Today is hubby's day off so we usually all take a day off (in some ways). We have our family time where we go out to eat lunch and run any errands, browse through the bookstore or take a ride on the firetruck at Walmart... My favorite part of the day off is having an excuse to sleep in a bit longer!

As I started to pull out of my slumber, I was nudged by tiny hands and feet that someone needed something to eat. No, Jeremiah was still asleep... I'm talking about the little guy arriving around the first of July. Joshua was kicking and rolling and tickling... just a busy little morning person!

I started thinking about how unreal this pregnancy has been. For months I didn't feel pregnant. Oh, I had all the signs! The sickness, the lost of brain functions, the aches and pains of growing in every possible direction... I definitely had signs of life going on. But I wasn't bonding with the baby like I did with Jeremiah. Many times I wasn't even remembering that I was pregnant and things were going to change soon. I assumed it was because of the loss of two pregnancies that I was having a hard time attaching to someone else that I would risk losing. I figured that the ultrasound would make it more real to me. That didn't really happen. It was very technical to me. It got a bit emotional, just being able to see the little life moving about on the screen, but my heart was still having trouble taking the plunge.

I thought the little movements I was feeling of a little body tumbling about would get things moving. Unfortunately, those tiny tickles didn't convince my heart to open up either.

My sister-in-law bought some itty bitty blue baby clothes and that almost did it but not quite there yet...

As I thought about this in the shower, I asked myself a lot of questions. Will I ever bond with this baby? Will I ever attach myself? Will my heart open up to love and care for another person? These and many other questions whirled around in my head as I stood feeling helpless under the warmth of the falling water around me.

I began to ask these questions to God. What could He do with this situation? My thoughts were directed to spiritual walks. How many times do we ponder similar questions in our hearts?

When we see God do miraculous things in our lives, praise comes easily. The credit is given and we are thankful and boastful in His mighty works. But when His workings are more subtle, when we don't see His hand working at all... then how do we react?

I have a beautiful little boy from my second pregnancy. Jeremiah is adorable and so smart, just a bundle of energy and a joy to our lives. He is the perfect gift from God! So how can I suddenly think God doesn't get any more praise? Just because the following pregnancy failed, doesn't mean He failed. Do I think He has to start all over in building up my trust in Him? Why would I feel like God doesn't exist anymore or that He's left me? Do I need to feel Him at every moment? Do I need to see and touch Him whenever it's convenient for me?

This pregnancy wasn't "real" to me. And even after the signs and symptoms, I still had a hard time with it all. But I can't do that with God. He gives me signs and wonders every day, if I take the time to notice them. He has never left me, although I have tried to wander away from time to time.

I found these thoughts comforting. Just because I could not fathom the realness of this life growing inside of me, doesn't mean it's not happening. Just because I don't know if I can make room for one more love in my life, doesn't mean I won't ever do it.

I am so thankful that God sent His Son and His Holy Spirit. Through His word and constant communication with Him, I am reminded that all things are possible. Everything will be okay because He's taking care of it. I'm thankful that through His love I can see that I can love as well.

Then I felt it. The tiny tumbling began again and I felt something else moving... my heart. I felt it take a tiny step towards accepting another little bundle of blue into my life. No dam broke open, no floods rushed in... but a first step was taken in the right direction and I knew my Saviour would make sure it continued to the end.

Ice Storms

2008-02-21T10:21:00.005-06:00

I love to take pictures, it has become more than a hobby according to my husband. I think it now qualifies as an obsession! I have been cooped up in the house for so long due to illness and bad weather, I felt like I was going stale so when the ice storm hit last week, I bundled up and wandered around the yard looking for something interesting to capture.

Everything was covered in ice. Literally. It enclosed each branch like a cocoon:

It was quite a sight. I was fascinated. Growing up in sunny Southern California didn't give me many opportunities to see things like this. I trampled through the icy backyard in search for more. I found icicles everywhere and more plants covered with the layer of cold, frozen rain... As much as I hate the freezing temperatures, it was all so beautiful and almost magical.

Being pleased with the images I shot, I looked at them often, inspecting my work as well as the delicate limbs enclosed in the shell of ice. However, the more I inspected, the colder I felt. Taking the time to examine each image I found myself thinking more deeply about the whole thing.

Poor little plants! To be completely surrounded by the cold. The slippery, yet confining ice holding each stem captive for days... What may be beautiful and amazing to one on-looker, is complete torture to another! How much is this like our lives? We are struck with beauty or tragedy and are then held captive by it's covering.

Oh the sin that so easily besets...

Although I knew I didn't like the cold, icy weather, I was soon mesmerized by the beauty of it all. Isn't that just like the sin of the world? We know it's wrong, yet something about it eventually draws us in. When we spend time searching for something beautiful within we find it, don't we? Just as I was searching for something interesting to capture, I found it. I searched for some reason to call the thing I hate good. I even exalted it by shooting several images and posting them for others to see the beauty and share in my new fascination.

The more I though about it in this light, the uglier the world became. So much sin! We allow so much to go on while we turn our backs or try to find "good" in it. And just like the thin, little stems, we are eventually covered up in a cocoon.

Frozen.

We are at a standstill in our walks with God. We venture off the path of righteousness and are no longer moving forward. No longer getting closer to Him. We are now moving away by not moving at all. It is a sign we have given in.

Given up.

But our God is a big God, isn't He? He knows what we need to pull through this. He provides the warmth of the sun, His Son, to melt our hearts. When we allow Him to breathe His breath into our lives, we are allowing the icy prison to melt from around us.

To set us free.

After God speaking to me about this, I had to go out on the bright, sunny day He gave and take another picture from the same bush...

Even though your days may seem icy and cold, there is hope. Always hope. There is sunshine around the corner, just waiting to warm us and free us from the prison of sin. Allow him to release it in your heart today.

Burn Out

2008-02-20T08:35:00.015-06:00

Do you ever get burned out in ministry? I did big time! Ugh.

Living in a Pastor's home, you get to see it all: the good, the bad and the ugly. So many needs came through our home: spiritual, physical, emotional, financial... you name it, it's been here. Unfortunately for us, most of the time it seemed that no one else would be available to help or there wasn't time to look for someone else to help so we would just take care of it ourselves. We loved being able to serve the Lord whenever we could... so we did. Giving of all our time and energy to the church was so rewarding and we enjoyed it.

Until I lost my focus.

I'm not even really sure when it happened, I think it happened gradually over the course of a few years. We miscarried our first pregnancy and it was so devastating to us. We never dreamed it would happen to us. What did we do wrong? What is wrong with us? How could this happen? So many questions! During this time my faith grew stronger as I trusted in His perfect will for our lives and traded my sorrow in for His peace. But I also grew apart from Him in other ways...

I was so devastated about the loss of our first child and I felt so alone. It seemed like no one understood what I was going through. Being a private person when it came to my personal life, I just wanted to be left alone to process through all the pain and begin my healing. I believe this was the start of depression and burn out in ministry. I was drained emotionally and just wanted to let go of all the needy and hurtful people in my life.

So I let go...

But over the next few years I let too much go. I slowly pulled back from ministry positions... and it felt good to have more time to myself! I let go of jumping up every time a need knocked on the door... others can and should help with the load, right? I let go of relationships that were hurtful to me... I just dropped them and tried to hide from them. But it didn't stop here.

I just kept letting go.

And one day I let too much go but didn't realize it. I suddenly woke up to face each day with emptiness. Loneliness. Sorrow. Fear. I faced each day with a struggle within myself. It reminded me of Jacob wrestling with God. I could almost hear myself uttering the same words as in Genesis 32:26, "I will not let thee go, except thou bless me." I was not ready to give up completely but I was kicking and fighting the whole way through this dark time in my life.

Even the birth of my son during this time did not change this part of my life. Oh, I adored that sweet chubby boy (still do!). He was so precious to me, I treasured every moment with him. He became my whole life. Everything I did revolved around his needs and happiness. He also provided me with another excuse to pull out of more ministry responsibilities and time spent with others in fellowship. I didn't look at it this way at the time but hindsight is 20/20, right?

I spent those years in so much misery. Just trying to get by, to survive each day. It was such a chore to put one foot in front of the other. My sweet son was more of a blessing than I imagined. I had something that only I could do: be his mother. Even though there were days I didn't want to get out of bed, I had to with him. His very existence kept me going. Again, at the time, I didn't see things from this perspecitive. I was just trying to get through another day.

Then one day I stumbled across this verse and it took me off guard:

"My flesh and my heart faileth:

But God is the strength of my heart,

and my portion forever."

~Psalm 73:26

I crumbled. All the tension and walls I had built up to protect me and keep others out... they all fell to a million pieces at my feet.

At His feet.

I knew my flesh and my heart had failed me. I knew they would time and time again. But this verse reminded me of what I needed and Who it was that could give it to me.

The light at the end of the tunnel seemed brighter that day.

I'm still pulling myself out of this dark time of my life. It has taken almost as long to pull out as it did for me to notice I was missing from life. I suppose I had a hard time seeing how bad things were because I was still clinging to the peace He gave me over the loss of our first pregnancy. He provided more peace when we lost our second a little over a year ago. These precious moments spent weeping at His feet reminded me He had never left me.

But I never realized that I had left Him.

I thought that my 'spiritual busy-ness' was keeping me from enjoying the life He gave me to the fullest. But in retrospect, I see that not serving Him through serving others is what robbed me of the Joy He gives. He gave me a peek into this revelation and one day I decided to try it. I was desparate to feel Him in my life again, desparate to know Him like I used to. So I took baby steps back into church ministry. The more time I offered, the more I was blessed in my spirit. The more energy I gave up for others, the more I was filled with Joy. The more time I sacrificed to God's work, the more I was able to enjoy the free time I did have. The more finances I handed over, the more He provided our needs and wants.

It took a while for my stubborn self to catch on to how this was working in my life. The Bible reminds us that God's ways are not our own and we will never truly be able to comphrehend how He works things out. Too often they seem so backwards to our earthly logic! But that is fine with me. I serve a true and living God. I can handle trusting Him for everything. I have come to the realization that I don't know everything (and what I do know is questionable at times!). Armed with the knowledge that He is omnipotent and has the whole world in His hands is enough for me to surrender to His will for me.

I have learned so many things through this time in my life and find that I'm still learning things from it. I would not wish such a trial on anyone but at the same time I see where I am stronger for having held on to the end. God gave me just enough of a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel to keep me going. And when I wsn't looking for that, He gave me just enough purpose to survive one more day until I would look at the light again for direction and hope.

Ahhh.... the hope. If He never gave us anything else, the hope alone is so sweet and satisfying! Just knowing that one day we will be able to curl up in His arms for all eternity, singing His praises and leaving every tear behind... this alone makes it all worth living for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Held" ~ Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.

They let him go.

They had no sudden healing.

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It's unfair.

Chorus:

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.

We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.

The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

Chorus:

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:

If hope is born of suffering.

If this is only the beginning.

Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

Chorus:

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

Free Gifts

2008-02-17T13:52:00.003-06:00

Who doesn't love a free gift? Today in Sunday School, I talked to the teens about the free gift of Salvation. We read from John Chapter 3 about Nicodemus visiting Jesus in the night. We talked about how eternal life is a free gift and we also talked about their response to this offering.

Some said we should be thankful and do what God wants us to do. One even said we should try to earn it even though we don't need to earn it. The more we talked about it, they seemed to get a little confused.

Why call it a free gift for everyone if only those who follow God can receive it?

The more I tried to explain it to them, the more real it became to me. I mean, I understood before but I love it when the light gets brighter. Have you ever felt that way?

I tried to explain it as if the gift were a gift card to their favorite shopping place, or a train ticket to the best vacation ever. We can look at the card/ticket or we can take it and hold it or we can take it and use it and get the benefit of it's existence. Their answers to more questions told me that although they could tell me it is something that is not earned, they felt they had to sacrifice of themselves by giving up things and doing what God wanted and not what they wanted.

I remembered that I thought that way once upon a time. Some days I still find myself thinking this way. Those days where you try and try and try and feel like you're not good enough to please God... do you have those days too?

But now, after years of serving and trusting in my Savior, years of getting to know Him through His word and through prayer... now after all these years I see those "sacrifices" are actually gifts too. Which makes the gift that much sweeter! The gift of knowing that I have someone to fight my battles. Someone to provide my every need and many extra wants. Someone to give me Joy just because I know Him, to give me blessings just because He likes me, to give me forgiveness just because He loves me. It is a gift to have someone else take control of every area of my life, to direct my paths and give me direction for my every step. I can leave this worry-filled life for one of freedom and peace. So why wouldn't I take this gift? We should be begging for it and running at break-neck speed to cash it in. Then just sit back giving thanks and praise to the Gift-giver, the Lover of our souls.

Praise the Lord for Free Gifts!

Who Has Your Heart?

2008-02-15T08:46:00.009-06:00

"Lord, You have my heart

And I will search for Yours..."

~Delirious

Often I find myself searching for a pause in my day and one of the first thoughts is to take inventory of myself. How am I doing in my Spiritual life?

Is there any life there?

Then this song always pops into my mind. I only get about this far and I have to ask myself, "Really, does He have my heart? My whole heart?" And before I allow the words to pour from my lips in praise, I find that I'm kicking myself because I haven't been searching with my whole heart. Sure, I've read my Bible, said my prayers, been to church... but am I really allowing God to have complete control over every area of my life? Am I searching for His?

Falling in love with Jesus is the most beautiful thing in my life. Even more so than my husband or my children. Just falling into the saving knowledge of His infinite mercy and grace... His never-failing love and comfort... His strength and provisions... Just knowing these qualities keeps me coming back. Knowing that He's God but also my Father is so comforting and satisfying. But best of all is being ableto trust Him for everything.

Where else do you find such love?

So today I'll ask you, can you sing these words with a sincere heart? Can you open up your heart even more to allow Him complete control? Even in those hidden areas you think He may not care about, or you are not sure really need to be given over... can you give it? Let this song be your prayer today...

Lord, You have my heart

And I will search for Yours

Jesus take my life and lead me on

Lord, You have my heart

And I will search for Yours

Let me be to You a sacrifice

And I will praise You, Lord

And I will sing of Love come down

And as You show Your face

We'll see Your glory here

My Plans

2008-02-07T17:05:00.000-06:00

So I lay my head down friday evening with Saturday's to-do list growing in my head. My ambitious heart is armed and ready to face the next day with the reborn energy of the pregnancy second trimester. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep dreaming of all I will accomplish when the sun begins to shine through my window...

And then I woke up.

I woke up with a splitting headache, stuffy head/nose/ears/throat and a touch of nausea.

WHAT?!?!

Surely this isn't happening. I mean, really now. I have a to-do list a mile and a half long of all the catching up I had to do from the past three months of the first trimester where I caught every illness and bout of morning/all day sickness. All those months where the thought of cleaning/organizing/editing were thrown out the window and my new goal was to get through the day without clinging to a bucket. I thought I had finally reached my goal and was ready to take on some new ones.

God has other plans.

About halfway through the day I realized that I was only getting worse and my only hope was to return to the sanctuary (prison) of my bed where I would curl up under the covers and pray myself to sleep. I actually started crying! Yup, crying. I was SO tired of being sick. I was exhausted from the past three months of it and now my husband was sick and so was I. Two babies who were so sick we could barely care for the real baby. Little Jeremiah was great to play quietly all day and he enjoyed all the TV we shared the past week from our respective reclusive positions in the house.

As I sat there mopping up my tears (and runny nose), I was reminded of something I had just read the night before:

"... if we're serious about surrendering our lives to God, then we probably shouldn't get too upset when He does things a bit differently than we would have liked. It is good and right to make plans, but it is even more godly and righteous to allow God to change them." ~ Lisa Whelchel, Speaking Mom-ese

Ouch.

My husband gave me an odd look at my flakiness of crying one moment then laughing the next but I couldn't help but laugh at myself! How true are these words! And how crazy am I to get so upset about something I really have no control over? Sure, I did not enjoy the flu one bit (or the fact that is lasted almost a week!). Sure, I had a million things that HAD to get done this past weekend. But you know what?

None of it matters.

And you know what else? None of it did. We didn't get much done at all since Saturday and somehow we all survived and no one missed us too much. The house didn't implode, Jeremiah didn't die of neglect or starvation, our work was still waiting for us and we didn't have to go naked when all was said and done. *whew*

I'm so thankful that my Heavenly Father knows what I need. He knows how to provide for us and we can rely on Him for everything! I'm thankful that even when I think I've got my plans all figured out, He can still work things out the way He wants. Isn't He awesome? I'm so glad I have someone so reliable to trust in.

Do you?

Now I'm just curious how He puts up with all my whining...

Fill me

2008-02-01T21:32:00.000-06:00

As I read in Acts Chapter 2 today, I am again filled with His calming peace. The fast-paced life around me seems to slow down, even if just for a moment while I soak in the words of Luke as he recounts those amazing times.

...they were all with one accord...

I'm reading about them and I'm also with them. Our connection spans the centuries and we are all together, worshiping a mighty, promise-fulfilling God. I love how the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, comes to them and they easily receive it because they were faithful to wait for it and they we in tune with God's plan and they knew where it came from.

I mean, wouldn't you freak out if something like "cloven tongues of fire" landed on a roomful of your friends? But no, they knew God and knew it was Him. How well do I know God?

Enough to recognize Him in unusual circumstances?

And then I love how everyone was amazed and "marvelled" at them. When you allow God to truly work in your life, you stand out and others take notice. This is not the time to tuck back into your shell and hide from the potential ridicule of non-believers. No, this is the time to let your light shine before all men! Perhaps Christians face some ridicule because so many have backed down when given the opportunity to shine.

...this little light of mine...

So often, as in this chapter, we read about how God intervenes and provides a way for us to minister to others and show His power and Grace. He gives us all the tools we need to carry out His will. Why do I miss so many opportunities?

What am I afraid of?

When I stop and ponder all the times He has poured out His mercy and forgiveness for my sins, when I reflect on the trials He has brought me through, the blessings He's bestowed upon me... when I think of these things I am humbled. I am reminded of how small I am, only because of how big He is. He is so much bigger than all of my fears and problems.

And then, His promises...

His promises! How amazing are His promises! "Thou hast made known to me the ways of life; thou shalt make me full of joy with thy countenance." (v.28)

Joy!

That is what we are seeking, isn't it? What will bring us happiness? What will bring us contentment? We search vigorously in material goods, relationships, philosophies... when the whole time it is written out in the pages of the abandoned book that sits on the shelf! All the while it is collecting dust, we are collecting emptiness.

I have tried to search for fulfillment in a multitude of places. I have come close many times in my family and worship services... but nothing really fulfills me with a long lasting satisfaction as does allowing God to fill me with His Spirit. To have the Spirit within me is a wonderful thing, it so truly is. But to be filled with His Spirit, now that... that is something far too amazing to put into words.

Taste and see that the Lord is good!!!

And here I begin...

2008-01-31T09:44:00.001-06:00

I'm not beginning my journey of faith today, it started many years ago. But maybe today will be a new step and this is where I begin to document it. I don't know. =)

I decided to start journaling online in blog form since I was getting used to blogging and also if anyone wanted to follow along, here it is. We'll just see where this goes...

Let me start by sharing a little about myself. I feel as if my main identity these days is "Mommy." Which is not a bad thing at all, but it's only one of many, many hats I wear. I'm also a wife (Pastor's wife at that) and a daughter/sister/friend/youth leader... the list seems to grow daily. Sometimes the growing list overwhelms me. I feel like there is so much to do and not enough time in the world. So many needs coming at me from so many angles, where do I even start? Then when I get my focus on fulfilling all the needs in my life, I am distracted away from my true purpose and I miss the opportunities for me to meet the needs from my own life.

My true purpose is to serve God. With my whole heart, with my whole life. To keep Him as my Number One Priority always. Sometimes that gets clouded by the random phone calls, leg pulling 3 year old, and the many other demands that seem to make up our lives. Where does it end? It doesn't. But I have to keep my perspective and focus in the right place at all times. The rest will happen anyway and all that will fall into place when I know my destination each day.

Hmmmm... I'm not even really sure where to start with this so bear with me as I attempt to figure out one more thing in my life!

Today I started reading in Acts, Chapter One. (Start a new book when I start a new blog, right?) Whenever I begin this chapter, I always feel as though it was a sweet time. I know it must have been crazy in reality. I mean, Jesus recently died on the cross and I'm sure others were still second guessing that He was the Messiah. I would probably be asking a lot of questions too! But these faithful few... Luke sounds so content as he documents these days after the death of Christ.

So calm.

They went on with their lives fully focused on Him. They gathered together to encourage each other and keep one another on track to not forget all they had learned. They waited because they were told to.

They waited together.

Oftentimes I feel very lonely in my faith. I look around at the people that surround my daily life and conversations filled with talk of the world and what it offers, what it lacks... I so crave the conversations filled with convictions and blessings and confessions. The kind of conversations that make you stronger because you remember that Christ is King and you can do all things! That trials are temporary and your reward is eternal! That you are a sinner but you are saved by grace! Talking about things of the world is not sin in itself. But when these thoughts overshadow the things of God, you lose sight of Whose child you are and you get sucked in. I hate it when I lay my head down at night after a long, crazy day and my mind is so full of the world that I cannot seem to catch a glimpse of my Savior anywhere.

How many opportunities to spend time with Him passed me by today?

I'll often kick myself if I didn't give my sweet Jeremiah enough mommy-son time. Or if John and I had not been able to squeeze time in for a decent conversation about anything. I'll add to my list of good intentions to carve out time for my family the next day.

I'll do better tomorrow...

But that tomorrow, does it ever come? Or is it just a duplicate copy of today or yesterday or last week?

And then again... did I ever ask myself if I spent enough time with my Heavenly Father? Did I carve out enough time with Him? He created my day, why do I think He can't control it any better than I?

But, oh! How sweet are the days where I spend true quality time with My Savior. Sweet bliss that can never be replaced or substituted by anything else this life offers my senses...

Offers my soul...

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus..." and it is! So why would I want to passify my tastebuds on anything less than what is wonderful and satisfying and available every moment of every day? At least this is calorie free and chock-full of all the goodness our hearts desire!

Take time to Praise Him today. =)