Faith Lives Here...

Faith came singing into my room,
And other guests took flight.
Grief, anxiety, fear and gloom,
Sped out into the night.

I wondered that such peace could be,
But Faith said gently, "Don't you see,
That they can never live with me?"

~Elizabeth Cheney

Dreaming...

Lately I'm dreaming for simpler times. Not that I just want to have time to sit around and do nothing (although that does sound appealing!). I long for a life that is simpler. Not one filled with so many contrasting opinions, distractions and temptations. I am finding that although the world we live in is filled with these and we cannot hide from it all, we can lower the amount of them and also overwhelm them with good so they are less in our lives. By filling my days and mind with things of God and less of this junk, I can keep my focus better and life becomes simple again.

Seek God.
Trust God.
Thank God.
Serve God.
Praise God.
Love God.
Obey God.

God. It's that simple.

Selfishness...

The further along in my journey, I find that selfishness seems to be the root of all my problems. Not trusting God is a key too but they go together in a way.

I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Last night God revealed to me some things that might hurt my ego but opened my eyes and my heart to move forward instead of laying stagnant in my journey.

A minister came to our church and spoke on the power of prayer and specifically healing. I was in the nursery with Joshua and a bunch of other rowdy boys and tried to follow along by watching the service feeding into the TV mounted on the wall. I felt strongly to go out there and have him pray for me about this struggle with depression. As the time ticked on I thought maybe I would not get the chance but then slowly, one by one the mothers came to gather their children. Some to leave (the service lasted an hour over the usual time) and others just to take the kids back to sit with them.

I was apprehensive about going up for prayer from this man. I had been to many "healing" services that just didn't seem right but this one was very different. We don't usually have "healing" services of this kind. I was not apprehensive because of skepticism. I was apprehensive because of selfishness, namely pride.

*GASP* "The pastor's wife needs spiritual help?"

Why do people think we are spiritually immune to the devil's attacks? We are still just as human as everyone else. Unfortunately.

After the service I didn't notice anything drastic changing. No fireworks or earthquakes. No money falling from the sky. But as I gave Joshua a bath I noticed I had a song on my lips. I was more patient with the kid covered from head to toe with yogurt screaming to stand up and get the shampoo bottle. I felt lighter in my heart. The anger and pain I had felt like a wet blanket over my head had been finally lifted. The unforgiveness that plagued my heart was washed away. The desire to seek and serve Him was refreshingly overwhelming. Oh, how I missed this! It was good to be "home" - where my Savior lives in my heart, clear of all the junk I horded up from past rejections and disappointments. Now with each breath I feel lighter and lighter.

As I sat there singing to and scrubbing my little guy, God spoke to me. Depression is so selfish! It's not much different than suicide. It me deciding that I am defeated. That God is not big enough to do anything about it. That I am most important and that I must be happy only when my "needs" are met. It is no fun to have so many hurts and rejection in your life. To be constantly faced with disappointments. These are definite reasons to make anyone feel sad. But when you are focused on seeking God's face and longing only to be with Him, you will find yourself with Him and then you can rejoice! Knowing that He loves you is far more satisfying than the whole world bowing before you. When I put my selfish desire to be happy away and turn to Him, I find that there I am the happiest. The pure Joy from God is so amazing, when I try to describe it I am left speechless. So instead I will just pray that you, too, can find this everlasting Joy and Peace today.

"Father, we know we could never earn eternal life. The fact that you have given it to us freely makes it even more precious to us." ~ Corrie Ten Boom

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God. ~ Ephesians 2:8

Ugh.

Lord, I don't like myself today. I love who You created me to be but I'm less than thrilled with who I've created out of me.

This was my thought for several days in a row. Then it occurred to me that although I was coming to a place of admitting I was not so wonderful, I still had a ways to go.

"...less than thrilled..."

Um, that could still mean pretty good, but just under the thrilled mark. Right?

Ugh. Try again, Joanne.

Lord, I don't like myself today. I love who You created me to be but I hate who I've created myself to be.

And it is not until this statement is completely true that I can finally start living again. I need to hate who I've created. That person who I molded with my own hands. That mold that will fall apart in the fire because of an inadequate sculptor. I may have fashioned my art with all the passion I could muster but it will still fall short compared to the Master's work. Then where will my pride find me? What good is that pride now that I've lost? Worthless. Vanity of vanities.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

~Psalm 51:10

Quiet Reflection...

This blog has been so quiet for so long... it's actually been a representation of my life this year. Can I be honest here? Is that ok? Is that ok with me?

I began the journey of this year with the word FAITHFULNESS. It was my word to focus on this year in my everyday life and with my spiritual eyes. Things are funny how they turn out differently than anyone expects, right? God is good like that. Keeps us on our toes.

This year so far has been a struggle for me. It seems in every area of my life I had struggles and obstacles and trials and... you get the picture. My life is not a hard life, it really isn't. But still I struggled with so many things inside my self. The main struggles were in my spiritual walk and this is the area that affects every other area of life.

I never felt like I questioned God's faithfulness. I know He is unfailing and He is always faithful. I had experienced enough of this truth in my own life to know for a fact that He is faithful to be faithful to me.

No, it was my own faithfulness that seemed to be on the line. Depression clouded my days and left me feeling more and more hopeless with each turn of the calendar. Sure, I had wonderful moments that were so filled with joy but that seemed to fade so quickly for me and I was once again returned to my dark, lonely pit. In this darkness I didn't even realize I was losing my grip. Where I once clung to God for dear life, I was now slipping in weakness and was unaware of what was going on. By the time I did wake up to see what was going on, I was paralyzed and could only watch as the days rolled by. I felt completely unable to do anything about it.

Over time, I have slowly been climbing out of this pit. Realizing I was lost was the first step. It always is, isn't it? It was extremely difficult to even decide to do something about it. Hope was faint in my ability to do anything. I knew God could do anything, but could I do anything at all?

Dear friends, He is ever faithful. As I questioned my faithfulness and my strength, I was living out what I knew in my head - in my weakness, He is strong. He is my strength when I am weak. When I sat and thought about it, it never made sense to even me. How could I believe God could do anything but then not believe He could get me out of this mess? Often I've wondered how others lived like this and here I was experiencing it first hand. (So be careful what you question! lol)

After recognizing my desolation, I cried for help. Not like I had been calling for help, but I CRIED for help. From the depths of my soul I cried. With agonizing desparation I cried out to God to save me. I was so filled with lies that I was no longer worthy of His love that I felt I could not call on Him. Have you ever felt this way?

But God is faithful to be faithful.

Although I tried to leave Him (mostly unknowingly), He never left me. And not only did He not leave, He never retracted His outstretched hand to me. A lonely, empty path I was on left me cold and dead. Not feeling His presence in my life for so long is the most awful feeling I have ever felt. The term "Godforsaken" means much more to me than a passing description used in vain. To feel His presence again is a warmth deep in my soul, right to the core. A feeling of safety and comfort. A feeling of belonging. A feeling of love. Yes, this is what true love is.

I understand that I may not always feel His presence like this. Times get dark and life gets confusing. But I know that trusting in His faithfulness I can live in the hope of knowing that what I cannot feel is still very alive and well in me. This is what real faith is. The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

I'm so happy to be "back" again. My prayer is that I grow in greater leaps and bounds than I ever have before. I pray that the fire not only never burns out within me but it becomes an uncontrollable inferno that rages and ignites everything around me with His love.

We started Jeremiah memorizing scripture and his first verse was Genesis 1:1 - "In the begining, God created the heavens and the earth." We talked about the sun, moon and earth a lot in our science lessons that week also. God set everything in perfect motion so that we don't fry from the sun being so close or get hit by randomly soaring stars... He created a perfect balance of air and water for each of us to thrive. The moon is an empty desolate place. No air, no water... no life. Man is determined to go to great lengths to go there. Just to say we've been? I am not knocking NASA or science but it reminded me of how we are like this spiritually. We have at our fingertips all we need and yet we desire to go to a desolate land where we cannot thrive, just for the sake of sayng we are going where no one else has been. How exciting to walk on the moon. But spiritually, I don't want to be there.

Sometimes moving forward is a step in the wrong direction. Sometimes we need to step back to where we need to be - on the straight and narrow path. An open mind is good, but not too open that your brains fall out. Keep your focus on Him and His leading. Open your mind to understand, not to join in with every passing fad. Open your mind and ears to hear His voice. Open your heart to Him.

God is so good and He is ever faithful. Are you?

Psalm 6

O Lord, rebuke me not in thine anger, neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.

Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak: O Lord, heal me; for my bones are vexed.

My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O Lord, how long?

Return, O Lord, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies' sake.

For in death there is no remembrance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks?

I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.

Mine eye is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies.

Depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity; for the Lord hath heard the voice of my weeping.

The Lord hath heard my supplication; the Lord will receive my prayer.

Let all mine enemies be ashamed and sore vexed" let them return and be ashamed suddenly.

Perfectly Foolish

Sometimes I randomly open up my Bible and just read where it fell open. Do you ever do this?

Today I opened up in Galatians to Chapter 3 and saw where I underlined and made notes once upon a time. When I got to verse three I had to stop and ponder a moment.

"Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit,

are ye now made perfect by the flesh?"

Selah.

Yesterday my heart was burdened (as usual) for my sweet Jeremiah. He can be so stubborn and defiant and although the consequences are horrible in his eyes, he cannot bring himself to do even the littlest thing to avoid it. One example from yesterday was when he cranked up the sound on a toy and we asked him to turn it down. It turned into a knock-down drag out battle of wills. He got several spankings in the midst of it and sent to time out and it went on too long when all he had to do was turn it down. It wasn't even something he was playing with, he just wanted it a certain way. He screamed bloody murder from fear of a discipline but even got so mad he swatted at Daddy. That sure didn't help anyone. As I watched this go on I felt the same as I do when it goes on day after day.

What is going on in his head? I sure don't remember what it's like to be an almost 5 year old.

I spent time praying specifically about this. For Jeremiah to understand better. For us to understand more. Obedience and peace for Jeremiah. Patience and wisdom for us.

But I also spent a lot of time trying to figure out what will work better. What consequence would get his attention better? What disciplinary tactics will help transform him into the happy kid he needs to be to stay safe and healthy?

I would guess that I spent more time doing this than praying about it and waiting for instructions from God. This verse this morning reminded me of this weight on my heart.

Am I so foolish?

Am I so foolish to believe that I can trust that God will give me all wisdom and understanding and so I need not turn to Him anymore but can now handle everything all on my own? Am I so perfect to perfect myself (by myself) with no more need of Him?

Yes and No.

Yes, I am foolish. No, I am not so perfect.

God's grace is completely sufficient for me. Completely. My works and actions will not make me better and will for sure not make me perfect. My faith must be bigger than my hearing of it.

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:"

~Philippians 1:6

Dear Lord, I am so weak in my flesh. I know you have started a good work in me... please don't let me get in the way of you completing it. I like to complete projects but this is not one for me to complete. Remind me often that YOU are the Master and I am just to be clay in Your hands, molded as You desire. I leave all my burdens and 'projects' in Your hands and will wait on You for guidance to do or to be still. Thank You, Lord for loving me.

Sooner than Later...

As I'm sitting here typing this my 4 year old is sitting at the table, staring at his toast. He's been sitting there for over an hour now... almost and hour and a half. He's a control freak and a hard one to break. First he said he wanted to eat it in his room. Then he decided he didn't want milk, he wanted juice. After 45 minutes he decided that I should put the timer on and he'd hurry up and eat if it was a race. And here we are still with a cold, hard, buttered toast and cup of milk, timer still quiet by the oven.

I was at least able to get a lot done. I finished my breakfast, Joshua finished his and got all cleaned up, fed Joshua his milk, tidied up the living room a bit put Joshua down for a nap, started a load of laundry, and did the dishes. And since Jeremiah is still sitting at the table starting at his toast, I might have a moment to blog something here!

Watching his obstinate little brain working, it makes me very sad. I am thankful that he is stong willed in his beliefs, it's just the beliefs I'm concerned about! He has always been a controling kid. Always had to have things just perfect in his world, just like he wanted... no, NEEDED them to be. Even as an infant, you could set your clock to his routine. And if it was ever disturbed in the least, the world would fall apart around him. Due to the well-meaning advice of others, I wasted so much energy and time trying to change this aspect of him by pushing the limits and forcing him to get out of his routine. In the end it was all vanity and we were left with a cranky, frightened kid and a distraught, discouraged mother. But I continued to push him and now he throws routine out the window and is still a cranky, frightened kid. Only now he is also cranky about a routine too. *sigh*

He has since loosened up a bit. A BIT. Now that he's older and can understand more, he is able to reason that there may be other ways to do things and other reasons to do things differently than his brilliant ideas. But it is still a struggle.

So I sit here and I ask myself... what can God show me through this? Then I remember to ask GOD what HE can show me through this.

Patience.
Stubborness.
Selfishness.
Unconditional Love.
Discipline.
Persistence.
Focus.

Patience to help me continue to do the right thing and not give in to what is easy.
Stubborness of a little boy not willing to give up his control and a parent not willing to give up.
Selfishness in a child who wants his way.
Unconditional Love of a parent to her son.
Discipline is important in our lives to help us to make right choices.
Persistence at doing what is right in the long run and not what is easy now.
Focus to keep our minds on what really matters.

I also see that God has these traits in times like this...

Patience as He watches His rebellious children make mistakes and bad choices over and over again.
Stubborness in how He will not give up on us no matter what the cost to Him (or His Son).
Selfishness as He desires our complete adoration and praise for Him for He alone is worthy.
Discipline of a Father who wants to see His children grow up healthy, whole, righteous and happy.
Persistence as He reminds us again and again of His love and what is true and right.
Focus on the end - eternity with Him.

Woa. What all is God teaching YOU today?

P.S. Jeremiah is now finished with His toast and happily following the remainder of the routine again. Praise the Lord! Guess I should have learned all this sooner so we could have been done with the tantrums sooner!